Note: Italics have been added for extra humor points.
Addressing the war in Gaza on Monday, House Speaker John Boehner said, “At times like this, people try to isolate Israel.” Which explains that time he tried hugging that dude right after the guy stabbed a bunch of people.
Meanwhile, senators from New York, Maryland, and South Carolina wrote a letter to the president, saying, “Israel must be allowed to take any actions necessary to remove those threats.” The last time these states agreed on something? Just how cool the slave trade was.
On Tuesday, Israeli knocked out the Gaza Strip’s power plant, leaving 1.7 million without electricity and parents having to get in touch with their children the old-fashioned way: finding their bodies laying in the streets.
Worse, Tuesday’s attack left at least 26 Palestinian civilians dead. Though there’s a good chance at least some of them didn’t like Israel.
OKCupid has admitted to experimenting on users. Most users were fine with the news since they’re no stranger to being experimented on.
OKCupid’s founder said, “Guess what, everybody: If you use the Internet, you’re the subject of hundreds of experiments at any given time, on every site. That’s how websites work.” So suck on that, people who know HTML.
A new study says 35 percent of Americans are being sought by debt collectors. However, that’s according to the ones who still answer their phones when they see an unlisted number.
Interestingly, that percentage has stayed roughly the same since 2009’s Great Recession. Or as one-third of the population refers to it, 2009.
A campaign in London is attempting to get strangers to talk more to one another. They’re calling it "Drinking."
U.N. workers in Gaza may have given rockets to Hamas. Finally fulfilling the goal of the organization: Uniting all nations in asking, “Are you effing high?”
Meanwhile, Israeli tanks hit a U.N. school compound, killing 15. American politicians have responded by promising to take action maybe eventually okay never mind.
In a new interview, Susan Sarandon discusses her affair with David Bowie. Though at the time, she wasn’t really sure what she was having an affair with.
Islamic fundamentalist group ISIS has ordered Iraqi females 11-46 years in age to undergo genital mutilation. Because you don’t want to be a monster and go after 10 year olds.
In Arizona, an inmate’s execution lasted nearly two hours. But the Supreme Court has made it clear: If it’s not longer than “The Hobbit,” it’s fine.
The trailer for “50 Shades of Grey” premiered on Thursday. And guess what, guys. Both Slate and Burnished Metal make cameos.
Authorities have arrested hackers who broke into StubHub and fraudulently bought tickets. Thus protecting people who don’t break into StubHub and fraudently buy tickets.
Obama blamed climate change for recent wildfires in the West. So from the perspective of Republicans, something that doesn’t exist just got called out by someone they wish was never born.
A new report says NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo got in the way of the ethics commission he started. A charge that will be investigated by his “are you fucking stupid” commission.
LeBron James sent cupcakes to his new neighbors. Accordingly, ESPN dedicated an hour to him deciding between chocolate or vanilla.
John Kerry flew to Israel to try and end the violence in Gaza. Either that or he wanted to see how well those American rockets are doing. Said Palestinians and Israelis, “Finally, a white person. OK, time to stop.”
Dollar General CEO David Perdue beat an 11-term Congressman in Georgia’s Senate primary race. Perdue now faces such questions as “Do you have the experience?” and “Is this a dollar store or not?”
A federal court has ruled against subsidies for people with Obamacare. Potentially threatening Obama’s legacy as the president who got more people to pay for something that should be a human right.
The court ruling could increase the costs of health care for over 4 million people. On the bright side, banks seem to be doing okay so you could just get a loan.
Israel’s ambassador to the U.S. said, “The Israeli Defense Forces should be given the Nobel Peace Prize … for fighting with unimaginable restraint.” Adding, “You’re not gonna believe this, but children are remarkably easy to wound.”
The statement from the ambassador comes as over 600 Palestinians have been reported dead. Said the ambassador, “So we’ll take that prize now.”
Nigeria’s president is meeting with parents of the children abducted by a terrorist group 100 days after the crisis began. In his defense, he really thought they would’ve forgotten about their kids at this point.
The president finally agreed to the meeting due to Pakistani girls-education activist Malala Yousafzai. Your move, Miley Cyrus.
A research team is having success using chemotherapy to treat HIV. Said one scientist, “It’s going way better than when we tried fire.”
The treatment seems to “expose” the disease, allowing the immune system to attack it. Sorta like how TMZ and the Internet work.
China’s meat scandal is spreading. “China’s Meat Scandal” also being an influential punk band.
As of Monday, 25 Israeli soldiers have died since the beginning of the Gaza offensive. Making that 25 more years that Israel will have an excuse to be angry.
President Obama called on Vladimir Putin to stop covering for Ukrainian rebels. Because if you’re gonna invade a country, it’s insane to kill that many people at once. You gotta spread it out.
Victims of an OB/GYN who secretly filmed examinations will receive $190 million. And that’s not even counting how much money Joe Francis has offered for the tapes.
Adam Levine got married over the weekend. Many of Levine’s closest friends attended, except for Cee-Lo, who was never collected from the airport luggage carousel.
Jonah Hill reportedly officiated Levine’s wedding. Hill said he was honored except he’s getting tired of saying things in public that cause people to get upset.
A friend of the alleged Boston bomber has been convicted of obstructing justice. And if there’s one thing you don’t want to obstruct in Boston, it’s a Red Sox game. But also, justice.
Instead of doing jokes today, I wrote this up for FunnyorDie.com. There is both a “Predator” reference and a “Transformers” reference. Enjoy.
Citigroup will pay $7 billion over its involvement in subprime mortgages. A figure they reached after asking the question, “How much to not go to prison for a few months?”
“Star Trek” actor George Takei is taking on campaign finance reform. Not to be outdone, William Shatner is taking on a sandwich and lots of scotch.
Oscar Pistorius got into a fight at a bar over the weekend. And it all started when he began firing his gun at the bathroom—because who uses a bathroom? Criminals, that’s who.
A journalist was stopped by a TSA worker because the TSA worker didn’t know what the District of Columbia was. Sadly, if there’s any place where one useless entity is encouraged to question another, it’s the District of Columbia.
The Obama administration deported 40 women and children on Monday. And they had to act quick too before the immigrants saw the inscription on the Statue of Liberty.
Workers at the Centers for Disease Control transported anthrax in Ziploc bags. A move that would’ve raised safety concerns if they hadn’t used a name brand bag.
The FCC hopes to modernize the Emergency Alert System. For example, creating one that actually works.
Israel has agreed to Egypt’s proposed cease-fire with Hamas. But only on the basis that they can still use literal fire.
Japan debuted the world’s largest indoor farm with LED lights that cut water usage to 1%. Said creators, “Think of how much more resources we can redirect toward creating pillows we can marry.”
A study suggests acting immorally in video games makes people act more morally. But trying to get a member of Congress to only beat a virtual hooker to death is the real challenge.
Scientists believe they may have cracked how the brain processes emotions. Said one scientist, “Our breakthrough came when we realized we should leave the brain in the person’s head THEN study it.”
Researchers have made a video that recreates how a 410 million-year-old spider once walked. Next step: a video that recreates how a 29-year-old man doesn’t want to watch it. It makes me feel gross, you guys.
It’s been confirmed that geckos will eventually lose their grip while hanging upside down. Scientists say the geckos also seem to “pass out” at a certain point from all the “blood” in their “heads.”
A Chicago man who wrote a book on running with the bulls was gored by a bull in Pamplona. The man said he will be sure not to write a book about preventing cancer.
Katie Holmes posed topless for Glamour magazine. So you know somewhere Tom Cruise is having to do a great job of pretending when he says, “Mm, yeah. I miss those. Those boobs.”
Rosie O’Donnell is reportedly returning to “The View.” Either that or she’s just interested in adopting the surrogate child outgoing host Sherri Shepherd wants to abandon.
President Warren G. Harding’s letters to his mistress will be released online later this month. An odd thing to do considering it’s not like his mistress wants a reality TV show.
Fast-food chain White Castle has inducted Alice Cooper into their Hall of Fame. An event that will likewise be inducted into the Hall of Fame of Lose-Lose Situations.
A Frontier Airlines pilot ordered pizza for passengers on a stranded plane. “Jeeze I wish we’d thought of that,” said the Malaysian government.
Courtney Love will appear on the final season of “Sons of Anarchy.” Producers agreed to have her on since the show was beginning to think it had something to live for.
In fact, nine out of 10 users who had their conversations collected were not the intended targets, said the Washington Post. It’s not a great success rate, but the Cubs are still showing interest.
Almost half of the files contained names, email addresses or other identifying details belonging to U.S. citizens. Worse yet, Obama was beginning to enjoy using the term “metadata.”
Some even contained resumes, details of affairs, and talks about religious conversions. So basically LinkedIn, Twitter, and your family members’ Facebook.
When asked about the story, Sen. Lindsey Graham said, “I don’t really know the details about what they’re saying in the paper. I know [NSA intelligence-gathering] is necessary. We’re at war with radical Islam.” So to summarize his comments, “I, Lindsey Graham, don’t know how to read.”
The National Journal reports that the House Ethics Committee got rid of the requirement that lawmakers disclose trips funded by lobbyists on their yearly financial disclosure forms. But to be fair, it can be hard to focus on work after a weekend of topless whitewater rafting with the Koch brothers.
The decision was made behind closed doors, or as the House Ethics Committee refers to it, doors that happen to be not open.
The only notification of the change was in the committee’s annual guidance booklet for members of Congress. The title of that booklet? “Now That’s What I Call Corruption, Vol. 8.”
Trips paid for by private groups will only be reported to the Office of the Clerk, making it harder for journalists and the public to obtain the information. On the bright side, the latter doesn’t care and the former barely exists.
Ethics Committee spokesman Tom Rust suggested they had merely eliminated a redundant requirement. Which is funny because that’s what 90 percent of the public thinks of Congress.
Free trips for lawmakers have appeared on the yearly financial form since the late 1970s. A period of time when people unironically said, “How could politicians get any worse?”
On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled that privately owned corporations are not required to provide contraception coverage for employees. And to make it official, Justice Alito used his penis in place of the gavel.
In her dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “It discounts the disadvantages religion-based opt-outs impose on others, in particular, employees who do not share their employer’s religious beliefs.” Adding, “Just ask anyone who has had to work with Tom Cruise.”
Wendy’s is bringing back its pretzel bun for a limited time. Causing Hobby Lobby to question if maybe women can make good decisions on their own.
In addition, R&B group Boyz II Men has been enlisted to help with the campaign. A sentence no one thought would exist unless a major war broke out or something.
GM announced additional recalls this week due to “unintended ignition key rotation.” Which is a technical way of saying “turning ignition key causes lots of fire everywhere.”
With the announcement, GM has set a new record for number of cars recalled in a single year. Because sometimes you get a second chance and you use that second chance to make as many death machines as possible.
Celebrities in Britain have signed on to a petition calling for the decriminalization of drug possession. The celebrities said they immediately felt compelled to help upon hearing about it in LA.
A former Goldman Sachs trader is suing the company because his bonus of $8.25 million was too small. Goldman Sachs stunned by his greed and the fact that he isn’t their CEO.
Soccer player Luis Suarez has been banned from the World Cup for biting another player. The worst part being there’s plenty of food in Brazil if you’re not Brazilian.
The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that abortion clinics can’t have buffer zones for protesters. Although protesters were upset with their other ruling against buffet zones.
The Army says there’s no evidence Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl helped the Taliban. “Yeah! We’d say so,” said the Taliban. “He barely even did his own dishes.”
At least 36 people were hospitalized after an Avicii concert in Boston. A sad ending for people just wanting to forget for one night that they’re in Boston.