April 11, 2014
Crank: Heigl Voltage: Jokes for Thurs., April 10

Russia failed to share data on one of the suspected Boston bombers prior to the attack. In response, Putin said “Oops” but you could tell he wasn’t sincerely saying “Oops.”

Katherine Heigl is suing Duane Reade for using a photo of her leaving one of its pharmacies. Yeah, Duane Reade, if you want Katherine Heigl, get in line behind Nyquil and…you know what, just Nyquil.

Johnny Depp and girlfriend Amber Heard are rumored to be expecting a child. And there might be some sequels if she pays him enough.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus posed nude for the cover of Rolling Stone. Finally explaining why Kramer never knocked.

50 Cent has been ordered to pay $16 million for stealing headphone designs. The rapper making the rookie mistake of not stealing from the middle class.

New research confirms that humans and Neanderthals interbred. Not Cro Magnons though. They just liked to watch.

Scientists say a piece of papyrus that reads “Jesus said to them, ‘My wife…’” is most likely not a modern forgery. Though they’ve yet to confirm if he ended by saying “doesn’t know I’m back so shut up.”

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April 9, 2014
Swizz Neatz: More Jokes for Wed., April 9

The Associated Press reported that heroin use is increasing in America. The article was hard to find at first but it was perfect for enjoying somewhere secluded like on the toilet of a restroom.

A Swiss team is planning the first ever solar-powered flight around the world. This just in from the future: They have crashed and died in London.

A Yale student was reportedly told she had to gain weight or face suspension. “Students who are too thin? Isn’t that more of a Harvard thing?” said Harvard in a smoking jacket.

In his ongoing trial, Oscar Pistorius was accused of lying by a prosecutor. Though it’s up to the judge to decide if the claim has any legs.

A doctor says he used Google Glass to save a man’s life. Unfortunately the man soon died due to embarrassment.

FXX plans to air all 552 episodes of “The Simpsons” consecutively this summer. Guaranteeing at least part of your summer will be great then get gradually then suddenly worse.

April 9, 2014
Demolition Imam: Jokes for Wed., April 9

A new study says female White House staff members make 88 cents for every dollar male staff members make. Feminists are outraged over the discrepancy, as each staff member regardless of gender is just as likely to be attacked by Nightcrawler.

Egypt has imprisoned four men for being gay. That’s Egypt: “What do you mean democracy doesn’t mean ‘kill more people and jail minorities’?”

Earlier this week, an LAPD officer was shot seven times but is in stable condition. Really making the Terminator regret not throwing him in lava.

Owners of the “ground zero mosque” have submitted plans to demolish the building. Which is too bad since FBI agents had just found some really good food options around there.

Several Smart Car owners in San Francisco have had their vehicles tipped over. Police are looking for anyone who can lift with their legs.

“Game of Thrones” has been renewed for at least two more seasons.  Giving each character enough time to develop fully then get stabbed in the face.

The percentage of stay-at-home moms has increased for the first time in decades. And stay-at-home dads. And stay-at-home college graduates. Basically the job market is awful.

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April 8, 2014
Magic Yikes: More Jokes for Tues., April 8

The U.N. human rights chief says the Syrian government is responsible for the majority of war crimes in its country. As opposed to, you know, any international governing bodies that could’ve stopped it two years ago.

A nursing home is being sued for allowing a male stripper to gyrate near an 85-year-old woman. Her family is understandably upset over being reminded that she exists.

A woman has been convicted of murdering her boyfriend with her stiletto heel. Though if her heel didn’t get him, her STDs surely would have.

A jury awarded comedian George Wallace $1.3 million for an injury he suffered while performing in Las Vegas. In related news, “Why did I just receive a check for $1.3 million?” said Cedric the Entertainer.

Ted Kennedy Jr. announced he will run for office in Connecticut aaaannnnndddd he’s dead.

Artillery shells from WWI were discovered in luggage at Chicago’s O’Hare International. The TSA was alarmed by the finding, because can you imagine how much water you could’ve smuggled in those things?

The aunt of President Obama who stayed in America illegally has passed away. Obama said he’s conflicted, having lost a member of his family yet happy over there being one less illegal immigrant in the country.

Bravo announced it will be producing 15 new series. Its current slate of shows welcomed the news then whispered, “Bitches.”

April 8, 2014
Maryjaneland: Jokes for Tues., April 8

The Rev. Al Sharpton reportedly worked as a mafia informant for four years with the FBI. Though it’s a little hard to imagine Al Sharpton doing something and not needing to tell everyone he did it. Members of the mafia say they should’ve known something was up when Sharpton kept asking them to speak into his giant medallion.

A congressman endorsed by “Duck Dynasty” was caught on tape kissing one of his staffers. “Duck Dynasty” stars say they’re outraged he would be caught on tape doing something that wasn’t staged.

Maryland is set to decriminalize marijuana. Which syncs up perfectly with their new tourism campaign, “Maryland: You’re Going to Want to be High for This.”

Barbara Walters announced she will retire from co-hosting “The View” next month. No word on a replacement, but expect someone who is both professionally accomplished yet not afraid to giggle about vibrators.

In his new book, retired Supreme Court Judge John Paul Stevens says the death penalty should be abolished. And Stevens has special insight into the matter, as he was present for the national death sentence that was George W. Bush’s presidency.

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April 7, 2014
Cronut Hole: Jokes for Mon., April 7

Historians claim to have found the Holy Grail. And good news, there was a napkin left on top of it.

Votes from Afghanistan’s first democratic election are being counted. Regardless of the winner, it promises to be a big day for not women. 

Obamacare has increased enrollment in Medicaid by 3 million. Because everyone deserves a chance to have quality, affordable no sorry it doesn’t cover that.

The bakery responsible for creating the Cronut has been shut down due to mice infestation. Even more startling: the creator of the Cronut has been controlled by a rat chef this whole time.

Mickey Rooney passed away at age 93 on Sunday. Family members say he went peacefully aside from insisting there was an invisible dragon in the room.

In eastern Ukraine, pro-Russian protesters have stormed government buildings. Or as they’re known in Russia, Russian soldiers.

At an event moderated by Fox News, Jeb Bush called illegal immigration an “act of love.” “Good idea trying to explain a human issue to Republicans in terms of love,” said gay marriage.

A massive fight broke out between the teams of an NYPD-FDNY charity hockey game held this past weekend. Being a fight, there were no true winners except everyone who got to see a cop get punched in the face.

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April 3, 2014
Mo Zilla, Mo Problems: Jokes for Thurs., April 3

Parts of a Senate report on the CIA’s torture program will be made public. “Hopefully there’s someone out there who can do something about this,” said senators. 

The U.S. has admitted to trying to create a “Cuban Twitter” to cause protests in the country. It would’ve been like regular Twitter, except teens would’ve still thought it was cool.

Mozilla CEO Brendan Eich will resign after his anti-same-sex marriage views were publicized by OkCupid. And you know things are bad when a dating website says no one wants you.

Bill Clinton discussed aliens during an appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Clinton said he knows life once existed somewhere on a cold, distant planet,  because he extinguished it

On Thursday, Speaker John Boehner said, “Those with mental health issues should be prevented from owning weapons.” It was Boehner’s strongest statement on gun control, beating out the time he said, “Guns exist.”

Iran has selected a participant in the Iran hostage crisis as its U.N. ambassador. To be fair, he really knows how to hold an audience captive. 

A new study says popular kids are the most likely targets for bullying. Even worse, more and more nerds are telling people they’re popular. 

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April 3, 2014

2:22pm
Filed under: exclusive film special cut 
April 2, 2014
Care Scares: Jokes for Wed., April 2

An 8.2 earthquake was recorded off the coast of Chile late Tuesday night. In response, Los Angeles offered its sympathy but really sarcastically because it wanted that attention.

A musician has admitted to placing fake Justin Bieber CD cases containing his own work around stores in L.A. Making this the first time anyone claiming to be a musician made a CD with Justin Bieber on the front.

The Supreme Court again struck down limits on campaign donations. Thereby upholding the part of the Constitution where it says “Ugh, I give up.”

On Tuesday, President Obama said, “The debate over repealing this law is over. The Affordable Care Act is here to stay.” But we all know that’s just going to discourage the Affordable Care Act from trying to get a job and move out.

However, Rep. Paul Ryan unveiled a new budget that would repeal the Affordable Care Act, as well as cut Medicaid and food stamps. “Okay, let’s hear him out,” said 2009.

Director of national intelligence James Clapper admitted to warrantless searches in a memo obtained by the Guardian. The subject of the memo being “No One Will Ever Believe You Hahahahaha.”

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April 1, 2014
Don’t Be a Menace to South Central Intelligence Agency While Drinking Your Juice in the Senate: Jokes for Tues., April 1

A Senate report says the CIA misled the public about its interrogation techniques. However, a report from the CIA says the Senate misled the public about not being jerkbutts.

Likewise, torture provided no key evidence in the search for Osama bin Laden. Contradicting both “Zero Dark Thirty” and “Frozen.”

Healthcare.gov crashed again the day before the enrollment deadline. Here’s hoping the website takes advantage of the legislation and finally sees a professional about its problems.

By 2018, all new cars will need to have rear view cameras. The devices have proven to be effective at preventing accidents as well as promoting introspection on past actions.

Indiana leads the nation with the highest number of meth labs. Or West Virginia is just better at hiding them.

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March 27, 2014
Down Wit’ P.O.P.E.: Jokes for Thurs., March 27

President Obama called on European countries to do more to punish Russia for invading Ukraine. Said Obama, “Even Prussia is doing more, and they were formally dissolved in February 1947.”

Obama and the pope met for the first time on Thursday. Getting straight to business, the pope asked, “I’d like people to keep thinking I’m cool. How do I avoid what you did?”

California’s recent drought has led to a mini gold rush in newly accessible riverbeds. The one downside: tiny prospectors.

The mayor of Charlotte reportedly took a bribe, saying he’d use the money to make a feminine hygiene product. Despite not being successful, residents of Charlotte have still been heard remarking, “What a douche.”

Sen. Harry Reid is involved in a scandal in which $17,000 in campaign funds was used to purchase jewelery made by his granddaughter. The scandal being that if you knew her work, you’d know it’s definitely worth way more.

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March 26, 2014
Virtual Formality: Jokes for Wed., March 26

Facebook is set to acquire virtual reality technology maker Oculus. Giving them hope that they can at least create a fake world where Facebook isn’t annoying.

A new study is blaming the BP oil spill for heart defects in fish. Not to mention for crabs getting depressed from watching their friends die.

A 9-year-old was banned from school because she shaved her head to support a friend with cancer. Needless to say, her dad was pretty upset with the school. But on the bright side, kids generally don’t get to learn about cynicism until the seventh grade.

On Tuesday, President Obama referred to Russia as a “regional power.” In response, Ukraine looked at Obama and silently shouted “No no no!” while waving its arms wildly.

A man who was handing out cash in public has been sent to a mental hospital. Because with all that money, you’d think he would’ve gotten a shave and a haircut.

Two CNN employees were caught trying to get to the top of the World Trade Center. Proving that CNN can’t even match the level of journalism of a teenager with a camera and four base jumpers.

Washington state announced it will begin selling marijuana in June. Causing concern among buyers that they will now have to hang out more with Washington state.

A new rule in Britain bans books from being sent to prisoners. So at least they’ll still get to read “Twilight.”

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March 25, 2014
How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days: Jokes for Tues., March 25

A new report says air pollution caused 7 million deaths in 2012. Or as Congress refers to it, job creating clouds.

A Canadian man has contracted an ebola-like virus. As expected, he’s being a fantastic host.

President Obama will reportedly introduce legislation to end the NSA’s bulk collection of Americans’ phone records. And hopefully the CIA will tell him how Congress reacts.

Russia has temporarily been suspended from G8 meetings. Adding further insult, Britain is already using Russia’s chair as a coat rack.

A New York Times reporter called Obama “the greatest enemy of press freedom that we have encountered in at least a generation.” The speech occurred last Friday but that’s obviously something you don’t want to report unless Obama says it’s okay.

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March 24, 2014
Spill Meet Again: Jokes for Mon., March 24

Malaysia Airlines texted families of MH370 to say, “We have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived.” Even more unfortunate is that they confirmed their sense of decency was also on board.

A ship has spilled up to 168,000 gallons of oil in Galveston Bay in Texas. Said god, “I really can’t emphasize how much I hate Galveston.”

Thousands of Russian troops have gathered near Ukraine’s eastern border. The good news being that other countries have offered to DVR the “Game of Thrones” premiere for Ukraine.

Discussing Russia, Mitt Romney called President Obama “naive” and claimed he was showing “faulty judgement.” This according to a man who thought Americans would trust anyone who hates soda.

The NSA reportedly hacked telecoms in China. So you can imagine China was pretty upset when they found out after hacking the NSA two years ago.

Turkey claims to have shot down a Syrian jet. Said Turkey, “That was so much easier than handling public dissent.”

Egypt sentenced 529 people to death on Monday in a mass trial. So basically Egyptians should just never stop protesting in Tahrir Square.

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March 24, 2014

Nobody expected it, nobody believed it, and nobody would have sex with it: The Ensorceling.

In tiny Internet theaters now. Produced with @patcartelli and @tonydac.

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