As iWatch You From Afar: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 9
Apple introduced the Apple Watch, with CEO Tim Cook calling it “the most personal device we’ve ever made.” So now when it malfunctions, and it will, you’ll know: It’s personal.
The company also unveiled Apple Pay, a way to use your phone at stores to buy things, while explaining, “Apple doesn’t know what you bought, where you bought it, and how much you bought it for.” Adding, “Apple just knows you’ve got nice boobs and how often you like to take pictures of them.”
A preliminary report says Flight MH-17 was hit by “high-energy objects” while flying over Ukraine. Naturally, Russian-backed rebels in the area deny ever even having 5-year-olds.
Scientists say Europa, one of Jupiter’s six moons, has plate tectonics similar to Earth. However, on Europa, people know better than to live in L.A.
President Obama will address the issue of ISIS in a primetime speech. Analysts look forward to hearing what he will say then immediately back down from.
David Bowie will release two new songs this fall. Because David Bowie knows summer sucks.
A mob of teens attacked several people outside a Kroger supermarket in Memphis. For more on the story, visit the New York Times, CNN or the teens’ Facebook pages.
Ray Rice’s wife, Janay, made her first statement on the couple’s domestic violence incident. Unfortunately the NFL is ignoring it because it’s not a video.
Cher has postponed her upcoming tour. Turns out, she died five years ago.
A fire destroyed part of a wooden roller coaster at Southern California’s Six Flags Magic Mountain. Much of the damage being blamed on the slow response of the fire department.
The CEO of Panera has asked customers not to bring weapons into his restaurants. But, gun to his head, I’d bet he changes his mind.
Oreo will be releasing pumpkin spice cookies. Offering the same great experience, except when you twist open the cookie, there’s a tiny mirror so you can take a long look at yourself.