September 16, 2014
Merry-Go-Ground Troops: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 16

Olive Garden is defending its unlimited breadstick policy…against monsters.
If America’s current campaign in Iraq against ISIS fails, the military says it will consider sending in ground troops. Which might not even matter since Bush won’t be in office for much longer.

Eminem’s publishers are suing a New Zealand political party for using a song of his in a campaign ad. Forcing the group to find a new song that still conveys that they hate women and gays.

Scientists have identified where they will land a probe on a moving comet. Said scientists, “Near the back.”

Comcast denies it will disconnect customers who use the anonymous web browser Tor. Rather, they will adhere to their current policy: disconnecting customers who use any web browser.

McDonald’s will give out free coffee for the next two weeks. Or as blind people refer to it, hot urine.

The FBI says its facial recognition surveillance system is now fully operational. To sign up for free, simply visit www.facebook.com.

Singer Robin Thicke says he was high while recording the song “Blurred Lines.” “More like ‘Slurred Lines,’” said father Alan Thicke, not comprehending the seriousness of his son’s problems.

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September 15, 2014
My West Foot: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 15

During a concert in Sydney, Kanye West called out fans in wheelchairs for not dancing to one of his songs. Which he can get away with saying since he’s handicapped emotionally.

The situation got more awkward when Kanye had his bodyguard go into the crowd to verify one fan was indeed handicapped. As it turns out, the guy who thinks he’s on par with Jesus is big into honesty.

Responding to the controversy, Kanye West told critics, “Pick another target.” Which they would, unfortunately no one else has singled out people in wheelchairs recently.

Microsoft will pay over $2 billion for the company that created “Minecraft.” “Minecraft” being a game where you can create any type of world you want, including one where Apple doesn’t exist.

Heineken declined an offer to be bought out by a larger competitor. Surprising financial analysts who thought Heineken was the biggest creator of stuff you don’t want to put in your face.

Urban Outfitters has stopped selling a Kent State sweatshirt that appears to be splattered in blood. The sweatshirt referencing a tragic time in our nation’s history when young people went off to a state school.

A statue of Amy Winehouse was unveiled this week in north London. Since it’s bronze, it should be pretty challenging for it to try and do heroin.

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September 12, 2014
Pist All Over: Jokes for Friday, Sept. 12

CBS anchor James Brown addressed domestic violence before Thursday night’s Ravens-Steelers game. Forcing Bill Cowher to figure out how to segue into talking about yardage.

Oscar Pistorius has been convicted of manslaughter in the death of his girlfriend. However, it’s possible he may only be fined—a simple slap on the wrist. He still has wrists, right?

Zeus, the world’s tallest dog, died this week. His owners say he was a great dog and will be an even better table.

The government threatened to fine Yahoo $250,000 a day if the company didn’t comply with user data requests. Putting Yahoo in a tough spot, as they don’t have any users to generate data in the first place.

Discussing Syria, House Speaker John Boehner said, “We ought to give the president what he’s asking for.” Or as Boehner actually said it, “We…ought…to give…the…pres…pres…the Obama what he’s…asking…*heavy breathing*…what he’s asking for.”

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September 10, 2014
Things Pat and Brian Have Discussed: Week 8

summercollider:

  • the taco emoticon
  • Dan
  • Earplugs for this Sunday’s Deafheaven show
  • Google AdSense and how we can’t make any “AdSense” of it #lol
  • baloneyfarts.org

3:01pm
Filed under: video taco behind the scenes 
September 9, 2014
As iWatch You From Afar: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 9

Apple introduced the Apple Watch, with CEO Tim Cook calling it “the most personal device we’ve ever made.” So now when it malfunctions, and it will, you’ll know: It’s personal.

The company also unveiled Apple Pay, a way to use your phone at stores to buy things, while explaining, “Apple doesn’t know what you bought, where you bought it, and how much you bought it for.” Adding, “Apple just knows you’ve got nice boobs and how often you like to take pictures of them.”

A preliminary report says Flight MH-17 was hit by “high-energy objects” while flying over Ukraine. Naturally, Russian-backed rebels in the area deny ever even having 5-year-olds.

Scientists say Europa, one of Jupiter’s six moons, has plate tectonics similar to Earth. However, on Europa, people know better than to live in L.A.

President Obama will address the issue of ISIS in a primetime speech. Analysts look forward to hearing what he will say then immediately back down from.

David Bowie will release two new songs this fall. Because David Bowie knows summer sucks.

A mob of teens attacked several people outside a Kroger supermarket in Memphis. For more on the story, visit the New York Times, CNN or the teens’ Facebook pages.

Ray Rice’s wife, Janay, made her first statement on the couple’s domestic violence incident. Unfortunately the NFL is ignoring it because it’s not a video.

Cher has postponed her upcoming tour. Turns out, she died five years ago.

A fire destroyed part of a wooden roller coaster at Southern California’s Six Flags Magic Mountain. Much of the damage being blamed on the slow response of the fire department.

The CEO of Panera has asked customers not to bring weapons into his restaurants. But, gun to his head, I’d bet he changes his mind.

Oreo will be releasing pumpkin spice cookies. Offering the same great experience, except when you twist open the cookie, there’s a tiny mirror so you can take a long look at yourself.

September 8, 2014
Strangers on a Brain: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 8

Doctors say a virus is spreading among children across the Midwest. Though that’s a pretty melodramatic way to refer to abject boredom.

For the first time, scientists were able to transmit a mental image from one person’s brain to another. Said scientists, “We’ll catch you up to you one day, dolphins.”

The EU is delaying new sanctions against Russia. To be fair, Putin hasn’t even invaded Poland yet.

A London airport was shut down due to a “suspect package.” That way they could give their detectives some time to work.

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei underwent prostrate surgery Monday. “We found it,” said doctors. “We found the stick that was up his ass.”

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September 5, 2014
Burning Plan: Jokes for Friday, Sept. 5

An Internet challenge to burn the ISIS flag has gone viral in the Middle East. On the down side, they’re using the American flag for kindling.

Ukraine agreed to a ceasefire with rebels on Friday. The process taking longer than expected because the rebels kept having to leave the meeting to call not Putin.

John Kerry announced the U.S. is forming a “core coalition” to fight ISIS. Because that coalition that focused solely on legs and arms wasn’t getting it done.

NATO is working on a rapid-response team in case Russia ever invades an ally. They’re calling it “nuclear missiles.”

A new book alleges that the station chief in Benghazi could’ve saved the lives of those who died at the consulate. Yes, but why did Hillary tell him to do that?

Apple says it will increase security after several female celebrities had their accounts hacked. Meanwhile, Samsung says it will just keep making phones.

NASA says an asteroid will get “very close” to the Earth Sunday. That is, if only the Earth will let it…


Neither of George W. Bush’s daughters are registered Republicans. Which must really upset their dad, Dick Cheney.

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September 3, 2014
6 Reasons TBS Canceled Cee Lo's Reality Show Besides Him Probably Being a Rapist

September 3, 2014
"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a beard around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hadn’t ended."
Via reddit.

"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a beard around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hadn’t ended."

Via reddit.

3:11pm
Filed under: batman 
September 3, 2014
4 Things Ted Cruz's Father Didn't Say About Black Americans Because He is a Fucking Racist

September 2, 2014
Applehacks: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 2

Fake cellphone towers have been discovered throughout the country. Even more mysterious, why are they green and covered in thorns?

Several female celebrities had their Apple iCloud accounts hacked and their nude photos posted online. Reminding everyone to once again, please, respect Lily Tomlin’s privacy.

In response, the FBI is investigating the hacking incident. The same goes for the NSA, CIA, Homeland Security, local law enforcement, and Bill Clinton.

Mexico is investigating a mass fish death in one of its lakes. Their prime suspect: the local drug sharkartel.

“Guardians of the Galaxy” became the highest grossing film of 2014 over the weeknd. Still in 44th place: “Prison Guardians go to a Galaxy Game.”

Discussing Ukraine on Friday, Vladimir Putin said, “I want to remind you that Russia is one of the most powerful nuclear nations.” A remark meant to intimidate both Ukraine and whoever keeps messing with Russia’s Wikipedia page.

Police in Britain may soon be allowed to seize the passports of suspected terrorists. So on the bright side, tan guys with beards, you won’t even have to worry about getting far enough to be patted down.

Discussing charges that he drugged a woman, Cee Lo Green tweeted, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” Making this an awkward time for him to brag.

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August 29, 2014
Get on the Damascus: Jokes for Friday, Aug. 29

North Korea has retracted its offer to send cheerleaders to South Korea. Leaving South Koreans with the NFL as their only outlet for starving, underpaid women.

It’s been revealed that ISIS has been waterboarding hostages. During which ISIS often starts crying and shouting, “I learned it from you, Dad! I learned it from you!”

A new report says half of all Syrians have been displaced. Many seeking shelter by digging six foot deep holes in the ground and laying in them.

Five protesters are suing Ferguson police for $41.5 million for abuse. And really, isn’t receiving millions of dollars what this is all about?

The White House has approved Pennsylvania’s plan to join Obamacare by paying private insurers with federal money. Thereby providing 600,000 people with the chance to find out why others hate private insurers.

An independent autopsy of the inmate whose execution lasted 43 minutes says he did not die of a heart attack as reported. Because that would’ve been awful.

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August 27, 2014
The Boy in the Striped Slim-Fit Pajamas: Jokes for Wed., Aug. 27

Zara pulled a child’s shirt that resembled what Holocaust victims had to wear. The retailer promising to find a final solution to the problem.

The New York Times refused to endorse Andrew Cuomo for governor due to corruption allegations. To which Cuomo said, “How much to change your mind?”

The homeless person Miley Cyrus brought to the VMAs is wanted by Oregon police. Wow. First he finds out Miley Cyrus isn’t also a homeless person and now this.

A draft report from a United Nations science panel says damage already caused by climate change may be irreversible. Unfortunately Republicans remain unconvinced that the United Nations even exists.

A Texas farmer discovered a 60,000-year-old skeleton on his property. The farmer says it’s easily the sneakiest Mexican he’s ever seen.

A 9-year-old girl accidentally killed her shooting instructor while being shown how to use a submachine gun. The girl learning a valuable lesson: Shooting an idiot is oftentimes legal.

Lockheed Martin has agreed to a deal with an Australian firm to track space junk. Said the Australians, “Wait till you see how good we’ve gotten with these boomerangs.”

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August 26, 2014
Seems Like Old New York Times: Jokes for Tues., Aug. 26

Following his funeral, the New York Times published an article saying Michael Brown was “no angel.” Though in the author’s defense, he’s no not an asshole.

Russia says troops recently captured in Ukraine were there “by accident.” In fact, they were supposed to be on the other side of the border putting on a “Ukrainian rebel” outfit.

The UK embassy apologized for a tweet joking about the burning of the White House during the War of 1812. Particularly for causing Americans to learn briefly about the War of 1812.

Burger King is set to buy Canadian donut chain Tim Hortons. So now you can have it your ay.

The World Health Organization is calling for greater regulation of e-cigarettes. The group suggesting there has to be a better way to identify a douchebag.

The mayor of Berlin is resigning over his failure to open an airport that was supposed to be completed in 2011. “And all the crack he smoked, right?” said citizens of Toronto.

“Breaking Bad” took home several Emmys Monday night for its final season. Including the award for Most Recognized TV Show No One Really Talks About Anymore.

President Obama authorized the use of spy planes in Syria. Because after three years of a civil war and thousands of civilian casualties, it’s time to figure out what’s really going on there.

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August 16, 2014
Missouri Loves Company: Jokes for Friday, Aug. 16

The Ferguson Police Department released a report on Friday saying Michael Brown was a suspect in the theft of a box of cheap cigars. And let’s not forget the way he brandished his empty hands at those officers.

The Ferguson Police Department also released the name of the officer who shot and killed the unarmed teenager. And you should really be ashamed of yourself, Officer Graham Fakeman.

The Pentagon says it has given over $500 million worth of military equipment to local police in just the past year. In the Pentagon’s defense, the police told them they were Israel.

Doctors Without Borders predicts the Ebola epidemic will take six months to contain. Which should at least give victims enough time to finish that scarf.

Armored Russian vehicles passed into Ukraine late Thursday night. Outraged over the incursion, Ukraine said, “Oh, come on. Again? Alright.”

Germany reportedly recorded a conversation involving Hillary Clinton. But hey, at least we know it didn’t involve Bill Clinton too.

NASCAR introduced new rules on drivers exiting their cars after a driver was killed last weekend. Drivers are upset, as sticking around and having to watch NASCAR is the worst thing ever.

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