October 1, 2014
The Best Little Sporehouse in Texas: Jokes for Wed., Oct. 1

A man in Dallas became the first person in the U.S. to be diagnosed with Ebola. Discussing his condition, doctors only mimed firing a single lackluster revolver.

When the man first went to a hospital, he was sent home with antibiotics. A bit of an oversight until you hear that it was either that or barbecue sauce. Just barbecue sauce.

35,000 walruses came ashore in Alaska due to a lack of sea ice. Just in time too, because Sarah Palin’s family has been looking for a good fight.

Henry Kissinger reportedly wanted to “smash” Cuba in 1976 with airstrikes. He then turned and said, “I’m always angry.”

Today is World Vegetarian Day. A day where we can all come together and appreciate sidewalk chalkboards in front of BBQ restaurants making fun of World Vegetarian Day.

Thailand is considering ID bands to keep track of tourists. Though would that make it harder to bargain with child prostitutes?

Mumia Abu-Jamal will give the commencement speech for a college in Vermont while still incarcerated. The speech beginning with, “I might be in prison, but at least I’m not stuck in Vermont.”

Read More

September 30, 2014
Sad Men: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 30

Wildlife populations have plunged by over half in the last 40 years. Meanwhile, their level of deliciousness has stayed mostly the same.

eBay plans to allow PayPal to be publicly traded. Said eBay’s CEO, “It works for pairs of underwear people have worn and sold online.”

Viagra will begin using ads targeting women specifically. As if women weren’t annoyed enough thanks to Viagra.

In the crash involving one of its drivers and Tracey Morgan, Walmart partly blamed Morgan for not wearing a seat belt. Turns out, you don’t even have to shop or work at Walmart to be treated like garbage.

Inventor Elon Musk says 1 million people need to live on Mars to ensure humanity has a future. Or to at least ensure people stop making movies about humanity not having a future.

An Australian man has saved 2.4 million children by donating his rare blood type for the last 60 years. So congratulations to him for that and also avoiding Dracula for so long.

Read More

September 26, 2014

summercollider:

Our latest, most Tom Cruise-filled video ever.

(via patcartelli)

September 24, 2014
Network of Death Connectivity Issues: Jokes for Wed., Sept. 24

Speaking to the U.N., President Obama referred to ISIS as a “network of death.” And Fox News could not be more upset that he stole their new tagline.

Starbucks is testing a latte that tastes like Guinness. They’re calling it “coffee.”

Someone set fire to a memorial for police shooting victim Michael Brown Tuesday. No leads on who did it but boy would it be ironic if they got arrested and charged with a crime. 

Wayne Gretzy’s eldest daughter is pregnant. She says she’s overwhelmed with emotion as well as people making goalie metaphors about her vagina. 

PayPal will now accept Bitcoin as a form of payment. Because when you’re a company that deals solely in invisible currency and exchanges, you have to be careful about what types of invisible currency and exchanges you want to allow.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie told a group of donors he’s lost 85 pounds. Said the donors grabbing his waist, “Don’t lose too much weight now. We like our presidential candidates with incredibly long odds chubby.”

Tennis player Caroline Wozniacki forgot to pick up her U.S. Open check for $1.45 million. Naturally, she grunted really loudly when she forgot. 
Walmart says it will begin offering checking accounts. Now if they just start selling cars they’ll be able to say they offer everything their employees can’t afford to have.

Read More

September 23, 2014
The Last Airstriker: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 23

Lyft has purchased the app Hitch. Hitch being a way to organize carpools with people who agree that Will Smith should do more comedies.

Obama publicly addressed U.S. airstrikes in Syria on Tuesday morning. And he’s still going.
Along with targeting ISIS, the U.S. is also bombing the Khorosan Group. That’s the Khorosan Group: The latest terrorist you’ve never heard of or just a bunch of accountants who aren’t fans of America.
The heads of the Kardashian clan, Kris and Bruce Jenner, are divorcing. The two sat down to have a long talk with their children and explain the concept of “stopping.”

Israel says it shot down a Syrian jet. The Syrian jet maintaining it was only trying to buy Israel a drink.

Sony plans to launch the Playstation TV next month. The device will give access to movies and TV episodes from the PlayStation Store but without all those dumb video games no one seems to enjoy.

Research suggests a link between low iron levels during pregnancy and autism. Raising the question, how are vaccines stealing iron from pregnant ladies?

Read More

September 23, 2014
via reddit

via reddit

September 22, 2014
Home ISIS Where the Heart ISIS: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 22

The White House says Americans who have fought for ISIS have returned to the U.S. Which unfortunately is gonna make it a lot trickier to kill them without trial.

Three Afghan soldiers who went missing during a training exercise in Cape Cod were found trying to cross into Canada. And the student has become the master.

Nearly a thousand people participated in the “Flood Wall Street” protest Monday. Including a few who misheard and brought a bunch of sandwiches.

The Rockefeller family says it will no longer invest in fossil fuels. Likewise, the Ford family will no longer invest in comparing Jews to vermin.

A FIFA board member suggested the World Cup won’t be held in Qatar. Which would be great news for the people building the stadium there, as they can finally die in peace.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan performed her first same-sex wedding over the weekend. Kagan doing it as a favor to her colleague Antonin Scalia and his partner, a sheet cake with a penis.

The New York Times says it was the late Hawaii Sen. Daniel Inouye who squeezed Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand’s waist and said, “I like my girls chubby!” Which works out for Gillibrand since she likes her misogynists dead.

Read More

September 21, 2014
#peoplesclimatemarch

#peoplesclimatemarch

10:52am
Filed under: peoplesclimatemarch 
September 19, 2014
#GPOY

#GPOY

5:19pm
Filed under: gpoy 
September 18, 2014
El Mileyachi: Jokes for Thurs., Sept. 18

Mexico is investigating an incident in which Miley Cyrus got spanked by the Mexican flag on stage. Their main priority: Does Miley Cyrus have any understanding of symbolism?

The most recent census says Manhattan has the widest income gap in the country. Which is like saying Kentucky has the most trees. Everyone has a lot of trees, census.

Today is National Cheeseburger Day. “Oh, I love National Cheeseburger Year,” said Americans, refusing to be corrected.

A teacher won $1 million on “Wheel of Fortune.” It was also a great moment for Pat Sajak, as he’s never met one before.

Disney has created a wedding dress inspired by “Frozen.” In that, it’s so expensive, your bank account will be frozen.

An animal control officer rescued a skunk whose head was stuck in a beer can. Now if the skunk can just be convinced it has something to live for.

CNN was blacked out in China when it reported on Christian persecution in the country. Which at least gave the people there an opportunity to go outside and persecute Christians.

A BBC crew was robbed and beaten up while in Russia reporting on soldiers who died in Ukraine. The thugs understandably upset that anyone would ever imply that Ukraine exists.

Read More

September 16, 2014
Merry-Go-Ground Troops: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 16

Olive Garden is defending its unlimited breadstick policy…against monsters.
If America’s current campaign in Iraq against ISIS fails, the military says it will consider sending in ground troops. Which might not even matter since Bush won’t be in office for much longer.

Eminem’s publishers are suing a New Zealand political party for using a song of his in a campaign ad. Forcing the group to find a new song that still conveys that they hate women and gays.

Scientists have identified where they will land a probe on a moving comet. Said scientists, “Near the back.”

Comcast denies it will disconnect customers who use the anonymous web browser Tor. Rather, they will adhere to their current policy: disconnecting customers who use any web browser.

McDonald’s will give out free coffee for the next two weeks. Or as blind people refer to it, hot urine.

The FBI says its facial recognition surveillance system is now fully operational. To sign up for free, simply visit www.facebook.com.

Singer Robin Thicke says he was high while recording the song “Blurred Lines.” “More like ‘Slurred Lines,’” said father Alan Thicke, not comprehending the seriousness of his son’s problems.

Read More

September 15, 2014
My West Foot: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 15

During a concert in Sydney, Kanye West called out fans in wheelchairs for not dancing to one of his songs. Which he can get away with saying since he’s handicapped emotionally.

The situation got more awkward when Kanye had his bodyguard go into the crowd to verify one fan was indeed handicapped. As it turns out, the guy who thinks he’s on par with Jesus is big into honesty.

Responding to the controversy, Kanye West told critics, “Pick another target.” Which they would, unfortunately no one else has singled out people in wheelchairs recently.

Microsoft will pay over $2 billion for the company that created “Minecraft.” “Minecraft” being a game where you can create any type of world you want, including one where Apple doesn’t exist.

Heineken declined an offer to be bought out by a larger competitor. Surprising financial analysts who thought Heineken was the biggest creator of stuff you don’t want to put in your face.

Urban Outfitters has stopped selling a Kent State sweatshirt that appears to be splattered in blood. The sweatshirt referencing a tragic time in our nation’s history when young people went off to a state school.

A statue of Amy Winehouse was unveiled this week in north London. Since it’s bronze, it should be pretty challenging for it to try and do heroin.

Read More

September 12, 2014
Pist All Over: Jokes for Friday, Sept. 12

CBS anchor James Brown addressed domestic violence before Thursday night’s Ravens-Steelers game. Forcing Bill Cowher to figure out how to segue into talking about yardage.

Oscar Pistorius has been convicted of manslaughter in the death of his girlfriend. However, it’s possible he may only be fined—a simple slap on the wrist. He still has wrists, right?

Zeus, the world’s tallest dog, died this week. His owners say he was a great dog and will be an even better table.

The government threatened to fine Yahoo $250,000 a day if the company didn’t comply with user data requests. Putting Yahoo in a tough spot, as they don’t have any users to generate data in the first place.

Discussing Syria, House Speaker John Boehner said, “We ought to give the president what he’s asking for.” Or as Boehner actually said it, “We…ought…to give…the…pres…pres…the Obama what he’s…asking…*heavy breathing*…what he’s asking for.”

Read More

September 10, 2014
Things Pat and Brian Have Discussed: Week 8

summercollider:

  • the taco emoticon
  • Dan
  • Earplugs for this Sunday’s Deafheaven show
  • Google AdSense and how we can’t make any “AdSense” of it #lol
  • baloneyfarts.org

3:01pm
Filed under: video taco behind the scenes 
September 9, 2014
As iWatch You From Afar: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 9

Apple introduced the Apple Watch, with CEO Tim Cook calling it “the most personal device we’ve ever made.” So now when it malfunctions, and it will, you’ll know: It’s personal.

The company also unveiled Apple Pay, a way to use your phone at stores to buy things, while explaining, “Apple doesn’t know what you bought, where you bought it, and how much you bought it for.” Adding, “Apple just knows you’ve got nice boobs and how often you like to take pictures of them.”

A preliminary report says Flight MH-17 was hit by “high-energy objects” while flying over Ukraine. Naturally, Russian-backed rebels in the area deny ever even having 5-year-olds.

Scientists say Europa, one of Jupiter’s six moons, has plate tectonics similar to Earth. However, on Europa, people know better than to live in L.A.

President Obama will address the issue of ISIS in a primetime speech. Analysts look forward to hearing what he will say then immediately back down from.

David Bowie will release two new songs this fall. Because David Bowie knows summer sucks.

A mob of teens attacked several people outside a Kroger supermarket in Memphis. For more on the story, visit the New York Times, CNN or the teens’ Facebook pages.

Ray Rice’s wife, Janay, made her first statement on the couple’s domestic violence incident. Unfortunately the NFL is ignoring it because it’s not a video.

Cher has postponed her upcoming tour. Turns out, she died five years ago.

A fire destroyed part of a wooden roller coaster at Southern California’s Six Flags Magic Mountain. Much of the damage being blamed on the slow response of the fire department.

The CEO of Panera has asked customers not to bring weapons into his restaurants. But, gun to his head, I’d bet he changes his mind.

Oreo will be releasing pumpkin spice cookies. Offering the same great experience, except when you twist open the cookie, there’s a tiny mirror so you can take a long look at yourself.

Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »