Rep. Paul Ryan says he’s working on a book. Ryan says he’s actually almost done and ready to send it to the bench presses.
Senate Democrats removed an amendment to an immigration reform bill that would’ve given green cards to partners of gay people. “Ah man! You guys are too smart for us!” said gay people in fake committed relationships.
An IRS official took the Fifth during a hearing on the agency’s current scandal. Leading her to discover that people hate the IRS even when they don’t hear from them.
In related news, Eric Garcetti has been elected mayor of Los Angeles, becoming the city’s first Jewish mayor. Though unfortunately it still sounds pretty racist when you say “Jews run that town.”
A north Texas judge ruled that a lesbian couple can’t live together due to a divorce law regarding co-habitation. They could get around the law if they got married, but unfortunately that would award them happiness.
A Steak ‘N Shake waitress received a $446 tip on a $6 meal. And before you jump to conclusions, no, there was no improper amount of Shaking.
CEO of Apple Tim Cook appeared in front of a congressional panel to explain why his company doesn’t pay corporate taxes. Because you can only blame Android phones for so long.
During the hearing, Cook said, “We pay all the taxes we owe—every single dollar.” “Speaking of which,” he said, reaching into his pocket, “here is your single dollar.”
Toward the end of questioning, Sen. John McCain asked Cook, “Why the hell do I have to keep updating apps on my iPhone all the time?” A nice moment of brevity to remind everyone to relax since, at the end of the day, Cook was just one millionaire hanging out with fellow millionaires.
An anti-same-sex marriage protestor shot himself inside the cathedral of Notre Dame. Apparently there was only one witness and he doesn’t have a hunch as to why someone would do that.
In a blog post, the man reportedly warned that France was “falling into the power of Islamists.” Rantings that suggest he was mentally ill since no one actually reads blogs anymore.
Oklahoma’s Sen. James Inhofe called aid for victims of the recent tornado and aid for victims of Hurricane Sandy, which he voted against, “totally different.” Said Inhofe, “For one, these are real people being affected, not Blacks and Jews, which I still refuse to believe in.”
Food-delivery services GrubHub and Seamless say they will be merging. But will it be enough to compete with their biggest competitor, legs?
Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer suggested porn won’t be taken off the recently acquired blogging network Tumblr. Said Mayer, “You can even stay up late and order pizza. Just remember: I’m the cool mom.”
A Fox News reporter may face “co-conspirator” charges because he communicated with a State Department worker. Likewise, Fox News said they will discipline the reporter for not being more paranoid about the government.
The FBI allegedly tracked the reporter’s movements at the State Department and obtained a search warrant to read two days worth of his emails. They even went as far as to place a mole inside Fox News.
A new “Star Wars” TV series will debut in fall 2014. Keep in mind it will be animated so there’s no chance Hayden Christiansen will be involved.
A massive two-mile-wide tornado struck Oklahoma on Monday. Experts say it’s the worst natural disaster to hit Oklahoma since Texas.
On Thursday, President Obama will give a speech addressing Guantanamo Bay. Guantanamo Bay inmates are so excited, they can’t even eat.
In the same speech, Obama will also defend his use of targeted drone strikes. Presenting the problem: Will he have enough time to drone strike everyone so no one realizes he doesn’t have an excuse?
Sen. Rand Paul says there is a written memo from the IRS about targeting conservatives, though he admits he’s never seen it. “Just because you don’t see it or can’t feel it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist,” said Rand Paul referring to love from his father.
The murder of a gay man in New York City is now being treated as a hate crime. A hate crime in New York City being when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a group and the perpetrator is not a member of the NYPD.
North Korea launched a short-range missile into the Sea of Japan on Sunday. Or as North Korea referred to it, a long-range missile.
Actors Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have broken up again. The cause? Nobody even knew they were back together.
Yahoo is reportedly trying to purchase the blogging site Tumblr. Thus far Tumblr has hearted the offer, but it hasn’t reblogged it.
The mayor of Toronto has been reportedly caught on video smoking crack cocaine. Outraged, Canadians have called for him to immediately take a break, get professional help and return if and when he’s up for it.
Attorney General Eric Holder said he thinks law enforcement should have to obtain a warrant for emails and other Internet communications. It’s something he hopes he can work on with Congress as soon as they all figure out what a book face is.
Human rights activist Cynthia Brown died this week. A prominent figure, Brown still made a lot of enemies for overlooking human lefts.
The final episode of “The Office” aired on Thursday night. Or as the British refer to it, “What Did You Awful People Do to ‘The Office’?”
In other TV news, the latest winner of “American Idol” is African-American Candice Glover. Accordingly, both Danny Glover and Donald Glover welcomed her to the Are You Related to ____ Glover? Club.
The House of Representatives has reached a deal on immigration reform, though details remain unclear. Ideally they can just hire someone real cheap to figure those out.
Doctor Who and Star Wars fans got into a fight at a sci-fi convention in Britain. Which is surprising considering that they’re known for their social skills.
Over 50 media companies have signed a letter protesting the Justice Department stealing the phone records of journalists. The Justice Department tried to act surprised but they literally saw this coming.
In related news, President Obama is calling for legislation that would protect journalists from having to reveal their sources. Said Obama, “Journalists shouldn’t be forced to tell us things we already know because we wiretapped them.”
Israel has warned it will attack Syria again if they try to send weapons to Hezbollah. Yeah, it’s about time someone stood up and said, “Syria, your weapons trading is getting way out of hand.”
Meanwhile, the U.N. voted Wednesday to condemn Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Said Assad, “OK, I get the message. Less killing children, more killing teens. Got it.”
France has slipped back into a recession. Said France, “Are you happy now, Muslims?”
The president of Nigeria declared an emergency after a series of attacks by Islamic fundamentalists. Though he probably should’ve done that as soon as he realized his country is located in Africa.
I have a pretty great, lucky life, but I’ve gotta gripe about all these senseless web re-directs.
Angelina Jolie revealed this week that she had a double mastectomy because of a high risk for breast cancer. Contradicting rumors that “World War Z” was so bad she literally tore her tits off.
It’s been revealed that the Department of Justice seized the phone records of Associated Press journalists. Finally, the Department of Justice is going after those responsible for America’s financial collapse.
A report from the CDC says one third of New York City death certificates are wrong. In related news, welcome back, Mayor Ed Koch!
People suffering from depression have a disrupted biological clock as if they are in a different time zone, according to a new study. To put that in context, imagine being in Los Angeles forever.
The National Transportation Safety Board is recommending that the blood alcohol limit be lowered from .08 to .05. The Board said even if they fail, it was worth a shot.
CNN claims to have the email that Republicans say shows the White House tried to cover up Benghazi. Said CNN, “We found it through re…port…ing. Reporting!”
Addressing the IRS auditing Tea Party groups, President Obama said, “You don’t want the IRS ever being perceived to be biased.” “Yes,” said major financial institutions.
A man from Saudi Arabia was arrested at an airport in Detroit with a pressure cooker—a key component to the bombs used in Boston last month. But also a key component to getting top-notch ribs.
The Clintons are reportedly refusing to back Anthony Weiner if he runs for mayor of New York City because it could hurt Hillary in 2016. Being associated with any Democrat for that matter.
James Holmes’ lawyers will seek to change his plea to not guilty by reason of insanity. Their reason being that they just found out who James Holmes is.
Barbara Walters announced she’s retiring in 2014. So if you want to see a celebrity break down and cry during an interview, you’ll have to watch Jay Leno.
A poll says 42 percent of Americans are sick of hipsters. Which is nothing compared to the 99 percent of hipsters who are sick of hipsters.
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously in favor of Monsanto against an Indiana farmer who used their genetically modified seeds without paying. Said Monsanto’s lawyers, “Blowjobs from seeds for everybody!”
Seth Meyers will be the next host of NBC’s “Late Night” … is how Carson Daly began his suicide note.
A federal judge refused a request from the Obama administration to stay his order making the morning-after pill available over-the-counter. The Obama administration said it respects his decision but is still upset it won’t be able to take any credit.
Whole Foods recalled containers of its curried chicken salad and vegan curried chicken salad due to mislabeling. Setting off the recall were customers who said, “How are you defining ‘delicious’”?
Two politicians made last-minute entrances into Iran’s presidential election. Making it an even tighter race for who will be bossed around by the ayatollah next.
Pope Francis canonized over 800 Catholics on Sunday—the most ever in one day. Overall, pretty exciting news for those 800 dead people.
Authorities in Texas are opening a criminal investigation into the state’s recent fertilizer plant explosion. But only because it means they get to keep making plenty of “something doesn’t smell right”-type jokes.
President Obama is likely to support an FBI measure requiring companies to have a way for the government to wiretap any online communication. But until then, ask me on Skype about how many weiners I think the FBI eats!
Tim Lambesis, lead singer of the metal band As I Lay Dying, was arrested for trying to hire someone to kill his wife. Fans are encouraged to check out his new side project, As I Lay on My Back So As Not to Be Raped.
Mark Sanford won South Carolina’s special election for a seat in the House of Representatives. Sanford was so excited that he went on a “hiking trip.”
Stephen Hawking has joined an academic boycott of Israel. And from the looks of it, he’s ready to perform a sit-in too.
Dennis Rodman is asking Kim Jong-un to release a Korean-American imprisoned for “hostile acts.” Said Rodman, “Did our mutual publicity stunt mean nothing to you?”
The House of Representatives will hold another vote next week to repeal the Affordable Care Act. If successful, Republicans say they have a good chance at defeating Obama in 2008.
Coca-Cola has promised not to advertise to children under 12. Meaning they’re going to have to photoshop penises on some polar bears real quick.
Very excited to announce the first post on my new Tumblr, which I hope doesn’t become as bigotry-laden as the others. (Fingers crossed.)
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Sturgeon‘s law is usually expressed thus: 90% of everything is crap. So 90% of experiments in molecular biology, 90% of poetry, 90% of philosophy...
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Bad ass zombie storm trooper
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Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) intends to run for president — of the United States — and he’s been a guest on Alex Jones’ show.
In other words, the guy...
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Great moments from the Great Googa Mooga! Matt and Kim rocked it hardcore with insane energy, Pearl and the Beard blew my mind with their talent,...
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Original art to Sam Peckinpaw’s Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia. –EH
