Nelson Mandela passed away on Thursday at the age of 95. So you win this round, Apartheid.
In response to Mandela’s death, President Obama said he “achieved more than could be expected from any man.” At which point he sighed really introspectively.
Meanwhile, Paris Hilton said she was not responsible for a tweet confusing Mandela with Martin Luther King Jr. Said Hilton, “I’m not some Anne Frank.”
Amnesty International has released satellite imagery that they say shows North Korea’s large network of prison camps. Or as they’re known in North Korea *looks frightened then shakes head*.
Authorities in Mexico say they’ve recovered the stolen truck containing highly radioactive material. However, the thieves are still at large much like their new tumors.
Workers in 100 cities protested the low wages they receive at fast-food restaurants by walking out. Except maybe Sonic employees. They were walking in and out all day.
Recently published police documents say that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford once lost his cellphone at a crack house. Funny story: He was high on crack.
Nelson Mandela passed away on Thursday at the age of 95. So you win this round, Apartheid.
An unarmed man is being charged with wounding bystanders even though NYPD officers were the ones that shot them. Said officers, “Well it was either that or blame the bullets and that would be retarded.”
MSNBC host Martin Bashir has resigned after calling Sarah Palin an idiot for her comparison of slavery and America’s relationship with China. The network has since apologized for being accurate for the first time.
Chinese investors are looking to create a multibillion-dollar development called “China City” in New York’s Catskills. Investors say they were attracted to the area’s natural beauty and excess of out-of-work child hands.
Meanwhile, “SpongeBob SquarePants” will soon be available to watch for free in China. Creators say SpongeBob will still live under the sea, except now it will be a sea of corruption.
The Washington Post reports that the NSA gathers the location information of nearly 5 billion cellphone calls a day. Which sounds like a lot but most of that is terrorists having their conversations dropped by AT&T then having to call back again.
ABC News reportedly forced Barbara Walters not to name Edward Snowden as her “most fascinating person of the year.” When told he’d at least be included on a list with Miley Cyrus, Kim Kardashian and two stars of “Duck Dynasty,” Snowden said nothing because he decided to just kill himself.
A group of pilot whales are stranded in Florida. In the meantime, they are entertaining themselves by making crude sexual jokes about flight attendant whales.
The engineer apparently responsible for the train crash outside of New York City said that he nodded off before the accident. And if he wasn’t drunk, he almost definitely is now.
Joe Biden is visiting China as tensions continue over their new air defense zone. Said Biden, “No problem! I love talking about football.”
The European Union announced it will fine financial institutions for manipulating interest rates. The fine is set at $2.3 billion or 12 euros.
Pope Francis has reportedly been sneaking out of the Vatican at night to serve the homeless. And he had the perfect disguise too, since who has ever seen someone acting like an actual Christian?
About 2,000 mice have been dropped by parachute onto Guam to kill snakes. The mice said it was the coolest thing they’d ever done, but to be fair, before this they had only been injected with cancer.
On Wednesday, President Obama will address the Affordable Care Act and the economy in a hard hit neighborhood of Washington, D.C. Because why travel when there’s gross amounts of poverty in your own backyard?
A judge approved Detroit’s bankruptcy, which will likely be disastrous for the pensions and health care benefits of retirees. Or as Detroit refers to them, “Oh great, more leeches.” However, the city is hoping to offer a new retirement package by building a new Walmart.
Sales on Cyber Monday hit a new record. Shoppers beginning to prefer a cold, inhuman exchange with a computer over the cold, inhuman exchange with a Walmart employee.
For the first time in the country’s history, police in Iceland shot and killed a suspect. Unfortunately the news was so startling that the LAPD shot three minorities.
A village in Romania has been sealed off so protesters can’t prevent Chevron from drilling for gas. And they’re not even letting them have the bathroom key unless they buy something first.
On Tuesday a judge is expected to rule on whether Detroit can stay in bankruptcy. Likewise, Detroit’s friend Darren is expected to rule on whether Detroit can keep sleeping on his couch.
In a new education survey, U.S. students placed 36 on a list of 65 countries. Twenty of which U.S. students can find on a map.
Kim Jong-un’s uncle has reportedly been “dismissed” from his position as head of North Korea’s military. Many are worried Kim Jong-un is listening too much to his new adviser.
In Kentucky, a sheriff is offering a reward of $10,000 for a bottle of bourbon that was stolen in October…dead or alive.
Amazon hopes that in the near future it will be able to deliver packages accurately using drones. “Us too,” said the United States.
New York magazine will no longer come out on a weekly basis. Publishers are confident they can cover Brooklyn enough as a biweekly publication.
People spent $1.7 billion less this year during Black Friday sales compared with last year. But it was still worth it to make employees spend one less holiday evening with their loved ones.
Hundreds of thousands of Ukrainians are protesting their government’s choice to shun the European Union in favor of Russia. Politicians grossly underestimating how nostalgic people would be for the return of the Soviet Union.
The trial of a man who stole a water ferry in Seattle begins this week. Highlighting a key issue in the city: Since when does Seattle have public transportation?
This Thursday, workers at fast-food restaurants in nearly 100 cities will walk off the job in protest of low wages. Though they probably won’t get far; they had fast food for lunch.
North Dakota is launching a website to make it easier for the public to learn about oil spills. Residents say they’d be happy with a website that just makes it easier for them to learn.
The Supreme Court will consider a new challenge to Obamacare on religious grounds. Specifically how its website replicated hell using taxpayer dollars.
The latest Edward Snowden leak accuses the NSA of collecting porn viewing habits to shame Muslim radicals. Because if there’s one thing that will make a man rethink violence, it’s telling everyone that he likes boobs.
Two unarmed B-52 bombers crossed into airspace that the Chinese says belongs to them. But if it’s Chinese airspace, how come you can breathe it and not get cancer?
Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius urged Americans to try healthcare.gov again. Adding, “But not everyone at first, please, just some of you. You know what, just people with A-names then we’ll go from there.”
The Obama administration is going after secretive, tax-exempt political groups. However, Mormons have been expecting this for a while.
Pope Francis decried society’s current “idolatry of money.” Also, who is this Yeezus person?
The U.S. is threatening to pull all of its troops from Afghanistan if President Hamid Karzai doesn’t sign a new security agreement. So you can blame Hamid Karzai for making Obama break his campaign promise because he made Hamid Karzai make him break his campaign promise.
On Monday in San Francisco, President Obama said it’s “long past time to fix our broken immigration system.” “I agree,” said anyone who remembers his 2008 campaign.
Archeologists in Nepal have discovered the oldest Buddhist shrine in existence. Muslims congratulated both the archeologists on their discovery and the shrine for hiding from them for so long.
Prime Minister David Cameron hopes to extend his ban on Internet porn to sites with “extremist” materials “to keep our country safe.” A measure that might give birth to a startling new hybrid: the porn extremist.
The Texas Board of Education is once again debating the presence of evolution in biology textbooks. Especially since it doesn’t seem to be present in the Texas Board of Education.
The FDA is putting a stop to in-home DNA testing kits from company 23andMe. Fortunately they’ll never be able to stop in-home DNA making kits, aka, penises.
A deal on Iran’s nuclear program has been reached, though no one knows how it will be enforced. “We have some thoughts,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
Meanwhile, oil prices have dropped in response to the successful negotiations. Great news for consumers who like news that will in no way lessen how badly they get screwed at gas stations.
The CEO of Walmart is stepping down. Thankfully employees have been helping him out with his retirement fund.
The Connecticut state attorney is expected to release a report on the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School. “Excellent, can’t wait to have a look at it,” said congressional members wearing novelty eyeglasses.
Researchers say they have discovered stone-tipped spears that predate humans. Calling into question just how bad-ass amoebas actually are.
Egypt has been ranked as the worst Arab country for women’s rights. Egyptian authorities dispute the findings since how could they interview people who aren’t allowed to speak?
A memorial was in held in Dallas on Friday for the 50th anniversary of the assassination of JFK. Many said they couldn’t believe it had been that long since they blamed the Freemasons for something.
Virgin Galactic says it will be accepting the online currency Bitcoin for trips into space. Likewise, Russia says it will still accept a total lack of freedom of speech. Just in general.
Roughly 70 percent of people who use the temporary photo-sharing app SnapChat are women. Which makes sense since it’s still very difficult for men to masturbate to.
The FCC may soon allow passengers to make calls on their cellphones mid-flight. Because if there’s anything people want after being yelled at before the flight, it’s more yelling during the flight. Now if there’s just some way they can increase yelling when you’re leaving the airport.
Archeologists have discovered the world’s oldest wine cellar. It wasn’t easy to get to unfortunately, there was a brick wall and the dead body of an Edgar Allen Poe character.
A new study says just 90 companies are responsible for two-thirds of the world’s greenhouse gases. However, it’s possible they’re just not getting enough tax breaks to reconsider.
Charles Manson is reportedly dating a 25-year-old. So enjoy that taste in your mouth, lonely 25-year-old men. It’s called depression.
According to documents from Edward Snowden, the U.S. made a deal with the U.K. allowing the NSA to store the personal data of U.K. citizens. U.K. citizens aren’t sure whether to be upset that their government sold them out or that happy the U.S. asked for permission for the first time ever.
Abercrombie & Fitch plans to begin offering larger sizes for women, as it currently doesn’t carry anything above a 10. Likewise, Abercrombie & Fitch employees will not offer any attitude above a loud “Pff” noise.
Despite pleading guilty to cocaine possession, Republican Rep. Trey Radel says he won’t step down. Drawing obvious parallels between himself, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and, oh, also a fucking child.
Church of England is on the verge of allowing women to be bishops. Not to be outdone, the Catholic Church says it may begin allowing women around books.
Scientists have discovered that snail venom can work as a non-addictive pain reliever in humans. Unfortunately test trials have been incredibly slow.
In a meeting with tribal leaders, Afghan President Hamid Karzai said, “My trust with America is not good.” At which point he then coughed and motioned toward his open hand.
The Supreme Court said it will not interfere with Texas’s new abortion regulations. Especially because telling a state what to do with its own legislative body is wrong.
Airplane cleaners discovered 24 gold bars worth more than $1.1 million in a bathroom on a flight from Bangkok. And just when drug dealers and/or Saudi princes began to think there weren’t any more honest people left in the world.
A poll of 14- to 24-year-olds says most no longer think saying “JK” makes a racist or sexist comment acceptable online. Same goes for using LOL.
In honor of the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address, President Obama created a handwritten memo. He also just doesn’t want to go anywhere near a computer for a while.
JPMorgan Chase agreed to a $13 billion settlement for actions leading up to the financial crisis. And you can tell a major financial institution is hurting for money when their commercials rip off CreditScore.com.
It’s been discovered that LG Smart TVs collect information on what you watch as well as the files you keep on your USB drive if you connect one. “Oh no!” said Randy, the only guy who has ever plugged a USB drive into his TV.
The founder of the mercenary group Blackwater criticized the ongoing war on terror. And you know things are getting out of hand when the guy who gets money for killing people is saying you’ve gone too far.
Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is being investigated for possible campaign coordination violations. Walker isn’t discouraged however, as he’s sure there’s some way he can blame this on unions or teachers.
CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo will be leaving her network to join Fox Business. Bartiromo said she just felt like she wasn’t growing as a person who gets paid to scare people.
Police officers in Boston are upset over a new plan to track every patrol car using GPS devices. Said officers, “Since when is it okay to treat us like how we treat Muslims?”
George Zimmerman has been charged with assault following a fight with his girlfriend. Though it’s likely he’s innocent considering that if they had fought, he would’ve shot her to death.
The NSA has seen a 988 percent increase in people requesting to know if they’ve been spied on. In related news, the NSA has seen a 988 percent increase in people they need to spy on.
Lawyers for the online currency Bitcoin will address Congress today. And Congress can’t wait to ask what some of those words mean.
Google and Microsoft say they can now block child porn thanks to a new algorithm. Emphasis on “can.”
The daughters of Dick Cheney, Liz and Mary, argued on Facebook after Liz took a stance against gay rights even though Mary is in a same-sex marriage. Meanwhile their father has asked them to stop fighting, saying his theoretical heart can’t take it.
In Toronto, Rob Ford has been stripped of most of his remaining mayoral powers. Though they’ll never be able to take away one: his ability to store two full-sized hams in his neck.
Scientists accidentally killed the world’s oldest animal, a clam, at age 507. And apparently the clam’s last words were, “Oh, excellent, scientists. I have so many secrets to—”
China will begin relaxing its one-child policy. Great news for parents, even better news for people who like iPhones.
Likewise, Chinese authorities are working to reduce the types of crimes subject to the death penalty. However, critics charge this might increase the rate at which people—seriously, this is a capital crime—breach dikes.
Police disrupted a major child pornography ring based in Toronto. Amazing to think something that like could go unnoticed right underneath the mayor’s watchful, crack-filled nose.
Speaking of which, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has been offered a TV show. The show promises to be like Fox News but more coherent.
Scientists now believe dogs originated in Europe somewhere between 19,000 to 32,000 years ago. Or to put that in dog years, “That’s a lot of numbers, I’m a dog.”
Chris Brown left rehab this week after being treated for anger issues. He was able to combat his problems as soon as he discovered they were helpless.
Initially, China only offered $100,000 to the Philippines after the country was recently devastated by a typhoon. China is upset over being criticized, saying the money from the U.S. was basically a joint present.
An ACLU report describes how over 3,000 people in the U.S. are serving life sentences for nonviolent crimes. “Wait, you guys got a trial?” said Guantanamo Bay inmates.
Two Secret Service agents in charge of protecting the president have been fired for sending sexual emails to a subordinate. So in terms of their careers, they’re healthcare.gov its first week screwed.
The agents first drew attention after one forced his way into a woman’s hotel room, saying he left a bullet behind. Which sounded a lot sexier when he was going over it in his head.
WikiLeaks published a secret draft chapter of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, a secret free trade deal that critics say will lead to abuses on behalf of Hollywood and pharmaceutical companies. “But there’s no way Hollywood would take advantage of people’s trust,” said someone who didn’t pay to see “Green Lantern.”