On Thursday, President Obama will give a speech addressing Guantanamo Bay. Guantanamo Bay inmates are so excited, they can’t even eat.
In the same speech, Obama will also defend his use of targeted drone strikes. Presenting the problem: Will he have enough time to drone strike everyone so no one realizes he doesn’t have an excuse?
Sen. Rand Paul says there is a written memo from the IRS about targeting conservatives, though he admits he’s never seen it. “Just because you don’t see it or can’t feel it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist,” said Rand Paul referring to love from his father.
The murder of a gay man in New York City is now being treated as a hate crime. A hate crime in New York City being when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a group and the perpetrator is not a member of the NYPD.
North Korea launched a short-range missile into the Sea of Japan on Sunday. Or as North Korea referred to it, a long-range missile.
Actors Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson have broken up again. The cause? Nobody even knew they were back together.
Yahoo is reportedly trying to purchase the blogging site Tumblr. Thus far Tumblr has hearted the offer, but it hasn’t reblogged it.
The mayor of Toronto has been reportedly caught on video smoking crack cocaine. Outraged, Canadians have called for him to immediately take a break, get professional help and return if and when he’s up for it.
Attorney General Eric Holder said he thinks law enforcement should have to obtain a warrant for emails and other Internet communications. It’s something he hopes he can work on with Congress as soon as they all figure out what a book face is.
Human rights activist Cynthia Brown died this week. A prominent figure, Brown still made a lot of enemies for overlooking human lefts.
The final episode of “The Office” aired on Thursday night. Or as the British refer to it, “What Did You Awful People Do to ‘The Office’?”
In other TV news, the latest winner of “American Idol” is African-American Candice Glover. Accordingly, both Danny Glover and Donald Glover welcomed her to the Are You Related to ____ Glover? Club.
The House of Representatives has reached a deal on immigration reform, though details remain unclear. Ideally they can just hire someone real cheap to figure those out.
Doctor Who and Star Wars fans got into a fight at a sci-fi convention in Britain. Which is surprising considering that they’re known for their social skills.
Over 50 media companies have signed a letter protesting the Justice Department stealing the phone records of journalists. The Justice Department tried to act surprised but they literally saw this coming.
In related news, President Obama is calling for legislation that would protect journalists from having to reveal their sources. Said Obama, “Journalists shouldn’t be forced to tell us things we already know because we wiretapped them.”
Israel has warned it will attack Syria again if they try to send weapons to Hezbollah. Yeah, it’s about time someone stood up and said, “Syria, your weapons trading is getting way out of hand.”
Meanwhile, the U.N. voted Wednesday to condemn Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. Said Assad, “OK, I get the message. Less killing children, more killing teens. Got it.”
France has slipped back into a recession. Said France, “Are you happy now, Muslims?”
The president of Nigeria declared an emergency after a series of attacks by Islamic fundamentalists. Though he probably should’ve done that as soon as he realized his country is located in Africa.
I have a pretty great, lucky life, but I’ve gotta gripe about all these senseless web re-directs.
Angelina Jolie revealed this week that she had a double mastectomy because of a high risk for breast cancer. Contradicting rumors that “World War Z” was so bad she literally tore her tits off.
It’s been revealed that the Department of Justice seized the phone records of Associated Press journalists. Finally, the Department of Justice is going after those responsible for America’s financial collapse.
A report from the CDC says one third of New York City death certificates are wrong. In related news, welcome back, Mayor Ed Koch!
People suffering from depression have a disrupted biological clock as if they are in a different time zone, according to a new study. To put that in context, imagine being in Los Angeles forever.
The National Transportation Safety Board is recommending that the blood alcohol limit be lowered from .08 to .05. The Board said even if they fail, it was worth a shot.
CNN claims to have the email that Republicans say shows the White House tried to cover up Benghazi. Said CNN, “We found it through re…port…ing. Reporting!”
Addressing the IRS auditing Tea Party groups, President Obama said, “You don’t want the IRS ever being perceived to be biased.” “Yes,” said major financial institutions.
A man from Saudi Arabia was arrested at an airport in Detroit with a pressure cooker—a key component to the bombs used in Boston last month. But also a key component to getting top-notch ribs.
The Clintons are reportedly refusing to back Anthony Weiner if he runs for mayor of New York City because it could hurt Hillary in 2016. Being associated with any Democrat for that matter.
James Holmes’ lawyers will seek to change his plea to not guilty by reason of insanity. Their reason being that they just found out who James Holmes is.
Barbara Walters announced she’s retiring in 2014. So if you want to see a celebrity break down and cry during an interview, you’ll have to watch Jay Leno.
A poll says 42 percent of Americans are sick of hipsters. Which is nothing compared to the 99 percent of hipsters who are sick of hipsters.
The Supreme Court ruled unanimously in favor of Monsanto against an Indiana farmer who used their genetically modified seeds without paying. Said Monsanto’s lawyers, “Blowjobs from seeds for everybody!”
Seth Meyers will be the next host of NBC’s “Late Night” … is how Carson Daly began his suicide note.
A federal judge refused a request from the Obama administration to stay his order making the morning-after pill available over-the-counter. The Obama administration said it respects his decision but is still upset it won’t be able to take any credit.
Whole Foods recalled containers of its curried chicken salad and vegan curried chicken salad due to mislabeling. Setting off the recall were customers who said, “How are you defining ‘delicious’”?
Two politicians made last-minute entrances into Iran’s presidential election. Making it an even tighter race for who will be bossed around by the ayatollah next.
Pope Francis canonized over 800 Catholics on Sunday—the most ever in one day. Overall, pretty exciting news for those 800 dead people.
Authorities in Texas are opening a criminal investigation into the state’s recent fertilizer plant explosion. But only because it means they get to keep making plenty of “something doesn’t smell right”-type jokes.
President Obama is likely to support an FBI measure requiring companies to have a way for the government to wiretap any online communication. But until then, ask me on Skype about how many weiners I think the FBI eats!
Tim Lambesis, lead singer of the metal band As I Lay Dying, was arrested for trying to hire someone to kill his wife. Fans are encouraged to check out his new side project, As I Lay on My Back So As Not to Be Raped.
Mark Sanford won South Carolina’s special election for a seat in the House of Representatives. Sanford was so excited that he went on a “hiking trip.”
Stephen Hawking has joined an academic boycott of Israel. And from the looks of it, he’s ready to perform a sit-in too.
Dennis Rodman is asking Kim Jong-un to release a Korean-American imprisoned for “hostile acts.” Said Rodman, “Did our mutual publicity stunt mean nothing to you?”
The House of Representatives will hold another vote next week to repeal the Affordable Care Act. If successful, Republicans say they have a good chance at defeating Obama in 2008.
Coca-Cola has promised not to advertise to children under 12. Meaning they’re going to have to photoshop penises on some polar bears real quick.
Very excited to announce the first post on my new Tumblr, which I hope doesn’t become as bigotry-laden as the others. (Fingers crossed.)
Three women who were kept in a house in Ohio for over a decade were released from the hospital Tuesday morning. Police say they immediately arrested the men accused of keeping them in Ohio for a decade.
The U.S. is openly accusing China of cyberspying. China responded by taking offense that it’s wrong to keep tabs on its bitches.
North Korea removed two missiles from a launch site on the coast this week. Their way of saying, “We’re confused about what we’re doing too.”
Responding to questions whether Hillary Clinton will run in 2016, Bill Clinton said, “She’s having a little fun being a private citizen for the first time in 20 years.” A nice way of saying, “I have neither seen nor heard from her in weeks.”
Gov. Chris Christie said that he underwent weight-loss surgery two months ago for the sake of his family. Because his family really wants him to be elected president.
The audience at a Boston show booed Rihanna for performing three hours late. Turns out you can only use the excuse “I was beat” for so long.
A new study says gun crime has dropped, but Americans think it’s up. Also, blacks.
A whistleblower will testify on Wednesday that Hillary Clinton tried to cover-up the Benghazi terrorist attack. If true, the revelation could seriously damage her re-election efforts in 2020.
A 93-year-old man was arrested for allegedly working as a guard at Auschwitz. He was arrested at his current job, the guy who checks receipts at Best Buy.
The mayor of Jersey City says three Hispanic girls were responsible for a photo of him naked and passed out on his front porch. But how does he explain the photo of him acting as the mayor of Jersey City?
The chief of the Sexual Assault Prevention and Response branch of the U.S. Airforce has been charged with sexual battery. Which explains the memo going around the military titled, “Party’s Over.”
A video that amalgamates my love of Russian dash cam videos with my predilection for making fun of Russians.
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Great moments from the Great Googa Mooga! Matt and Kim rocked it hardcore with insane energy, Pearl and the Beard blew my mind with their talent,...
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Original art to Sam Peckinpaw’s Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia. –EH
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It’s rare when you come a across a singularity in life. A small but precise piece of information that seemingly explains everything.
Ladies and...
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Avatar666: Boba Fett Tequila Custom
Новый кастом от Avatar666 - самурай Боба Фетт на основе фигурки Tequila. Работы сделана на...
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Clockwork Orangeicorn (Regular Show) @wwnorton
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fuck
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYahoo reportedly eyeing Tumblr for possible $1 billion acquisition
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um. holy shit.
