April 24, 2014
Foster the Gay People: Jokes for Thurs., April 24

A study says visiting the library can make you as happy as a pay raise. The one flaw in the study being that people who go to libraries don’t know what a pay raise is.

Georgia has passed a bill allowing firearms in schools, bars, and government buildings. Basically anywhere people are known to have reasonable disputes that never escalate.

Jodie Foster married her girlfriend over the weekend. Right, but is she gay?

Lance Armstrong gave his first interview in over a year. Overall, Armstrong was excited to have the word “first” appear in a sentence with his name without it being a lie.

Australian officials say they’ve found an “object of interest” in the search for Flight MH370. Aaannnnnnd Malaysian officials have lost it.

A Michigan man has received a bionic eye. Say what you will, but Obamacare is turning out to be super kick-ass.

Justin Bieber visited the Yasukuni war shrine, seen by some as a symbol of Japan’s lack of remorse over atrocities. So basically the geographic equivalent of Justin Bieber.

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April 23, 2014
Murder, She Tatted: Jokes for Wed., April 23

Pirates have attacked and raided a Japanese oil tanker. No clear idea yet on the identity of the pirates, but they issued a stark warning.

People magazine has named Lupita Nyong’o the Most Beautiful Person of 2014. They would’ve featured her in the magazine before, but they couldn’t find anything good to attack.

The EU says Greece is now eligible for more financial assistance. Which is great news because Greece has a cousin with some time share investment opportunities.

A man on trial for murder has requested he be allowed to cover up a tattoo that says “murder.” Ideally with a classier tattoo like “rape” or “crib death.”

Ukraine is accusing Russian soldiers of being behind the country’s recent riots and attacks. Said Russia, “Yes.”

Meanwhile, a reporter for Vice has been taken hostage in eastern Ukraine. Which really justifies CNN’s policy of not journalism.

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April 22, 2014
Last Affirmative Action Hero: Jokes for Tues., April 22

America no longer has the richest middle class in the world. On the bright side, some of our poor people have great college educations.

The Supreme Court voted to uphold Michigan’s ban on affirmative action at public universities. “It has awful consequences,” said everyone while looking at Clarence Thomas.

A mayor in Missouri resigned after saying he agreed with an alleged murderer who targeted Jews. Yeah, but does he eat his pizza with a knife and fork?

The CEO of Russia’s most popular social networking site has been fired, saying its controlled by allies of Vladimir Putin. Some users are so outraged they’ve promised to switch to Russia’s second most popular social networking site, waiting in line for bread.

A New Jersey family is suing to get the words “under god” removed from the Pledge of Allegiance. And if you’ve ever visited New Jersey, you’d know god doesn’t want to be there anyway.

Workers at a major shoe factory in China have gone on strike. Their demands include better wages, fewer hours, and more time for cartoons because they’re children and that’s what children like.

The country of Brunei is bringing back stoning for violators of Muslim law. But as the Bible says, “Let he who is without sin get out of Brunei, because humans throw rocks at other humans there.”

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April 21, 2014
Flyboys: Jokes for Mon., April 21

An American has won the Boston Marathon for the first time in over 30 years. Or as the Red Sox refer to it, a “small drought, nothing to worry about.”

Mount Everest sherpas may go on strike in response to last week’s deadly avalanche. Action that could threaten the vacation plans of rich people small enough to fit in backpacks.

A 16-year-old survived a flight to Maui while hiding next to the plane’s wheel. Said the nearly dead teen, “Spring break forever.”

51 percent of Americans doubt the Big Bang occurred. The good news: 70 percent think shouting “Bazinga!” is really hilarious.

New figures say getting into top colleges is even harder. Forcing many high school seniors to consider alternative ways to accrue life-destroying debt.

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April 11, 2014
Crank: Heigl Voltage: Jokes for Thurs., April 10

Russia failed to share data on one of the suspected Boston bombers prior to the attack. In response, Putin said “Oops” but you could tell he wasn’t sincerely saying “Oops.”

Katherine Heigl is suing Duane Reade for using a photo of her leaving one of its pharmacies. Yeah, Duane Reade, if you want Katherine Heigl, get in line behind Nyquil and…you know what, just Nyquil.

Johnny Depp and girlfriend Amber Heard are rumored to be expecting a child. And there might be some sequels if she pays him enough.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus posed nude for the cover of Rolling Stone. Finally explaining why Kramer never knocked.

50 Cent has been ordered to pay $16 million for stealing headphone designs. The rapper making the rookie mistake of not stealing from the middle class.

New research confirms that humans and Neanderthals interbred. Not Cro Magnons though. They just liked to watch.

Scientists say a piece of papyrus that reads “Jesus said to them, ‘My wife…’” is most likely not a modern forgery. Though they’ve yet to confirm if he ended by saying “doesn’t know I’m back so shut up.”

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April 9, 2014
Swizz Neatz: More Jokes for Wed., April 9

The Associated Press reported that heroin use is increasing in America. The article was hard to find at first but it was perfect for enjoying somewhere secluded like on the toilet of a restroom.

A Swiss team is planning the first ever solar-powered flight around the world. This just in from the future: They have crashed and died in London.

A Yale student was reportedly told she had to gain weight or face suspension. “Students who are too thin? Isn’t that more of a Harvard thing?” said Harvard in a smoking jacket.

In his ongoing trial, Oscar Pistorius was accused of lying by a prosecutor. Though it’s up to the judge to decide if the claim has any legs.

A doctor says he used Google Glass to save a man’s life. Unfortunately the man soon died due to embarrassment.

FXX plans to air all 552 episodes of “The Simpsons” consecutively this summer. Guaranteeing at least part of your summer will be great then get gradually then suddenly worse.

April 9, 2014
Demolition Imam: Jokes for Wed., April 9

A new study says female White House staff members make 88 cents for every dollar male staff members make. Feminists are outraged over the discrepancy, as each staff member regardless of gender is just as likely to be attacked by Nightcrawler.

Egypt has imprisoned four men for being gay. That’s Egypt: “What do you mean democracy doesn’t mean ‘kill more people and jail minorities’?”

Earlier this week, an LAPD officer was shot seven times but is in stable condition. Really making the Terminator regret not throwing him in lava.

Owners of the “ground zero mosque” have submitted plans to demolish the building. Which is too bad since FBI agents had just found some really good food options around there.

Several Smart Car owners in San Francisco have had their vehicles tipped over. Police are looking for anyone who can lift with their legs.

“Game of Thrones” has been renewed for at least two more seasons.  Giving each character enough time to develop fully then get stabbed in the face.

The percentage of stay-at-home moms has increased for the first time in decades. And stay-at-home dads. And stay-at-home college graduates. Basically the job market is awful.

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April 8, 2014
Magic Yikes: More Jokes for Tues., April 8

The U.N. human rights chief says the Syrian government is responsible for the majority of war crimes in its country. As opposed to, you know, any international governing bodies that could’ve stopped it two years ago.

A nursing home is being sued for allowing a male stripper to gyrate near an 85-year-old woman. Her family is understandably upset over being reminded that she exists.

A woman has been convicted of murdering her boyfriend with her stiletto heel. Though if her heel didn’t get him, her STDs surely would have.

A jury awarded comedian George Wallace $1.3 million for an injury he suffered while performing in Las Vegas. In related news, “Why did I just receive a check for $1.3 million?” said Cedric the Entertainer.

Ted Kennedy Jr. announced he will run for office in Connecticut aaaannnnndddd he’s dead.

Artillery shells from WWI were discovered in luggage at Chicago’s O’Hare International. The TSA was alarmed by the finding, because can you imagine how much water you could’ve smuggled in those things?

The aunt of President Obama who stayed in America illegally has passed away. Obama said he’s conflicted, having lost a member of his family yet happy over there being one less illegal immigrant in the country.

Bravo announced it will be producing 15 new series. Its current slate of shows welcomed the news then whispered, “Bitches.”

April 8, 2014
Maryjaneland: Jokes for Tues., April 8

The Rev. Al Sharpton reportedly worked as a mafia informant for four years with the FBI. Though it’s a little hard to imagine Al Sharpton doing something and not needing to tell everyone he did it. Members of the mafia say they should’ve known something was up when Sharpton kept asking them to speak into his giant medallion.

A congressman endorsed by “Duck Dynasty” was caught on tape kissing one of his staffers. “Duck Dynasty” stars say they’re outraged he would be caught on tape doing something that wasn’t staged.

Maryland is set to decriminalize marijuana. Which syncs up perfectly with their new tourism campaign, “Maryland: You’re Going to Want to be High for This.”

Barbara Walters announced she will retire from co-hosting “The View” next month. No word on a replacement, but expect someone who is both professionally accomplished yet not afraid to giggle about vibrators.

In his new book, retired Supreme Court Judge John Paul Stevens says the death penalty should be abolished. And Stevens has special insight into the matter, as he was present for the national death sentence that was George W. Bush’s presidency.

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April 7, 2014
Cronut Hole: Jokes for Mon., April 7

Historians claim to have found the Holy Grail. And good news, there was a napkin left on top of it.

Votes from Afghanistan’s first democratic election are being counted. Regardless of the winner, it promises to be a big day for not women. 

Obamacare has increased enrollment in Medicaid by 3 million. Because everyone deserves a chance to have quality, affordable no sorry it doesn’t cover that.

The bakery responsible for creating the Cronut has been shut down due to mice infestation. Even more startling: the creator of the Cronut has been controlled by a rat chef this whole time.

Mickey Rooney passed away at age 93 on Sunday. Family members say he went peacefully aside from insisting there was an invisible dragon in the room.

In eastern Ukraine, pro-Russian protesters have stormed government buildings. Or as they’re known in Russia, Russian soldiers.

At an event moderated by Fox News, Jeb Bush called illegal immigration an “act of love.” “Good idea trying to explain a human issue to Republicans in terms of love,” said gay marriage.

A massive fight broke out between the teams of an NYPD-FDNY charity hockey game held this past weekend. Being a fight, there were no true winners except everyone who got to see a cop get punched in the face.

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April 3, 2014
Mo Zilla, Mo Problems: Jokes for Thurs., April 3

Parts of a Senate report on the CIA’s torture program will be made public. “Hopefully there’s someone out there who can do something about this,” said senators. 

The U.S. has admitted to trying to create a “Cuban Twitter” to cause protests in the country. It would’ve been like regular Twitter, except teens would’ve still thought it was cool.

Mozilla CEO Brendan Eich will resign after his anti-same-sex marriage views were publicized by OkCupid. And you know things are bad when a dating website says no one wants you.

Bill Clinton discussed aliens during an appearance on “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” Clinton said he knows life once existed somewhere on a cold, distant planet,  because he extinguished it

On Thursday, Speaker John Boehner said, “Those with mental health issues should be prevented from owning weapons.” It was Boehner’s strongest statement on gun control, beating out the time he said, “Guns exist.”

Iran has selected a participant in the Iran hostage crisis as its U.N. ambassador. To be fair, he really knows how to hold an audience captive. 

A new study says popular kids are the most likely targets for bullying. Even worse, more and more nerds are telling people they’re popular. 

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April 3, 2014

Filed under: exclusive film special cut 
April 2, 2014
Care Scares: Jokes for Wed., April 2

An 8.2 earthquake was recorded off the coast of Chile late Tuesday night. In response, Los Angeles offered its sympathy but really sarcastically because it wanted that attention.

A musician has admitted to placing fake Justin Bieber CD cases containing his own work around stores in L.A. Making this the first time anyone claiming to be a musician made a CD with Justin Bieber on the front.

The Supreme Court again struck down limits on campaign donations. Thereby upholding the part of the Constitution where it says “Ugh, I give up.”

On Tuesday, President Obama said, “The debate over repealing this law is over. The Affordable Care Act is here to stay.” But we all know that’s just going to discourage the Affordable Care Act from trying to get a job and move out.

However, Rep. Paul Ryan unveiled a new budget that would repeal the Affordable Care Act, as well as cut Medicaid and food stamps. “Okay, let’s hear him out,” said 2009.

Director of national intelligence James Clapper admitted to warrantless searches in a memo obtained by the Guardian. The subject of the memo being “No One Will Ever Believe You Hahahahaha.”

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April 1, 2014
Don’t Be a Menace to South Central Intelligence Agency While Drinking Your Juice in the Senate: Jokes for Tues., April 1

A Senate report says the CIA misled the public about its interrogation techniques. However, a report from the CIA says the Senate misled the public about not being jerkbutts.

Likewise, torture provided no key evidence in the search for Osama bin Laden. Contradicting both “Zero Dark Thirty” and “Frozen.”

Healthcare.gov crashed again the day before the enrollment deadline. Here’s hoping the website takes advantage of the legislation and finally sees a professional about its problems.

By 2018, all new cars will need to have rear view cameras. The devices have proven to be effective at preventing accidents as well as promoting introspection on past actions.

Indiana leads the nation with the highest number of meth labs. Or West Virginia is just better at hiding them.

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March 27, 2014
Down Wit’ P.O.P.E.: Jokes for Thurs., March 27

President Obama called on European countries to do more to punish Russia for invading Ukraine. Said Obama, “Even Prussia is doing more, and they were formally dissolved in February 1947.”

Obama and the pope met for the first time on Thursday. Getting straight to business, the pope asked, “I’d like people to keep thinking I’m cool. How do I avoid what you did?”

California’s recent drought has led to a mini gold rush in newly accessible riverbeds. The one downside: tiny prospectors.

The mayor of Charlotte reportedly took a bribe, saying he’d use the money to make a feminine hygiene product. Despite not being successful, residents of Charlotte have still been heard remarking, “What a douche.”

Sen. Harry Reid is involved in a scandal in which $17,000 in campaign funds was used to purchase jewelery made by his granddaughter. The scandal being that if you knew her work, you’d know it’s definitely worth way more.

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