Hawaii is set to legalize same-sex marriage. Startling news for people who oppose gay rights and think Hawaii is almost as big as Alaska.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren warned that “the ‘too big to fail’ problem” is still an issue. For example, Miley Cyrus.
Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio has agreed to award a settlement to the “Central Park Five” for being falsely imprisoned. Meanwhile, Mayor Bloomberg was probably off somewhere scowling.
PATRIOT Act author Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner went before the European parliament to say the NSA is out of control and Congress has failed. And he might be right considering he was speaking to a Burger King in Canada.
Thanks to a DNA test, a white supremacist in North Dakota has found out he’s 14 percent black. Giving white supremacists a new reason to hate both blacks and science.
A triptych by Francis Bacon was auctioned off for $142.4 million. “Can’t wait to eat it!” exclaimed Gov. Chris Christie.
Hawaii is set to legalize same-sex marriage. Startling news for people who oppose gay rights and think Hawaii is almost as big as Alaska.
Discussing America’s debt to China, Sarah Palin said, “And this isn’t racist, but it’ll be like slavery.” It’s a terrible analogy but at least she’s still getting use out of her “this isn’t racist, but…” catchphrase.
On “Meet the Press,” Mitt Romney attacked Obama, citing his “fundamental dishonesty” about the health care law. On the other hand, isn’t Mitt Romney being fundamentally dishonest when he acts like he’s still relevant?
In Houston, a white man says he won an election “fair and square” despite accusations of tricking people into thinking he’s black. Said people making those accusations, “You know what, never mind, we just realized what we were saying.”
The owner of the Miami Dolphins said he is “appalled” over reports that players made racist comments to one another. Reports that players face crippling brain injuries that present themselves after retirement? Meh, not so much.
Despite admitting to smoking crack, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is “not going anywhere, guaranteed.” Not moving in general is a great idea according to his heart doctor.
While observing Veterans Day, Obama said that soon, “the longest war in America’s history will end.” To which someone asked, “The war on terror?” Which the president could not have found funnier.
John Kerry said today that a deal on Iran’s nuclear program has been agreed on by major world powers. That is, all of them except super strength.
After winning reelection, Gov. Chris Christie told fellow Republicans that to get the minority vote, “You need to go into those neighborhoods.” Adding, “They have really good, cheap food.”
"60 Minutes" apologized for a segment with a security contractor who gave a misleading account of the Benghazi consulate attack. Said the U.S. government, "Your first problem was trusting a security contractor."
Nearly 90 tons of ready-to-eat salads and sandwich wraps are being recalled. A devastating blow to people unable to combine lettuce and carrots.
Private schools in Pakistan have banned Malala Yousafzai’s book. The schools say it sets a dangerous precedent, that is, girls knowing how to write.
The USPS will offer package deliveries on Sunday in Los Angeles and New York City. First massive layoffs followed by pay cuts, now postal workers are being forced to go to Queens on their day off.
Bad Ass Sign Language: For when you need to make an awesome point but you have to use your hands
Bill de Blasio won the New York City mayoral election in a landslide. Which, conveniently enough, was the name of the victory dance his family created just for Tuesday night.
In Florida, it was decided that a man is so obese that he can’t be sent to jail because it would cost too much. Plus, he just got re-elected governor of New Jersey.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said admitting to smoking crack was “the most difficult and embarrassing thing I have ever had to do.” Adding, “Even including the time I tried to kill the Planeteers.”
A couple is suing Gov. Chris Christie for banning therapy for gay teenagers because they want to send their son to treatment. Because it’s not the government’s role to decide who will get driven to commit suicide.
Washington state voters rejected a proposal to label foods that have been genetically modified. “Good call,” said broccoli.
Meanwhile, Colorado approved a 25 percent tax on marijuana. It’s a little high but that’s also the point.
A bill that would make sexual orientation-based discrimination illegal is on the verge of passing in the Senate. And if they’re up for it, maybe they’ll address the Iran Contra scandal.
One of the Cleveland kidnapping victims sat down with Dr. Phil for an interview. “This feels familiar,” she said.
In Iran on Monday, thousands participated in an anti-American demonstration. Though it’s not like we’re happy “Dads” is still on the air either.
Experts say they’ve discovered the cause of King Tut’s death: Suicide after the nickname “King Butt” really caught on.
Scientists say they now believe 40 billion planets with Earth-like characteristics exist in our galaxy. Yet ours is still the only one where “Big Bang Theory” is popular.
An adviser apparently tried to warn the White House about problems that would be created by the Affordable Care Act. If only they had listened to you sooner, Guy Familiar With the Internet.
An investigation has found that the CIA forced doctors to torture terrorism suspects after 9/11. They would’ve asked dentists but they’re not actual doctors.
In court, former Egyptian leader Mohamed Morsi declared he’s still the “legitimate president.” Overall a pretty rough day for him and his lawyer, Al Gore.
The government has rejected Edward Snowden’s request to have espionage charges dropped against him. To make matters worse, they rejected his request five minutes before he even emailed it.
An airport in Alabama was shut down on Sunday for two hours in response to a bomb threat. Authorities are still looking for the sadistic mad man who kept people in Alabama for an extra two hours.
Maine Democratic Rep. Mike Michaud revealed that he’s gay. Likewise, his last name revealed that it’s actually a misspelled version of Michael.
An appeals court restored Texas’s restrictive anti-abortion law. Good, because for a second there, Texas almost appeared reasonable to the outside world.
Toronto police say they’ve found the video of Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack cocaine. Ford maintains he won’t resign, but that’s probably just because he’s on crack cocaine.
A $5 billion cut in food stamps goes into effect today. Now if poor people could just figure out how to feed their children with unmanned drone strikes.
New York City has raised the smoking age from 18 to 21. So, teens, if you want to look cool before you hit 21, your only option now is to stop wearing fake glasses.
A new book claims that President Obama was considering swapping out Joe Biden for Hillary Clinton as his running mate to help his re-election chances. Which explains why people keep hearing stomping noises in the White House followed by doors being slammed shut.
Reportedly only six people were able to sign up for insurance on the first day of healthcare.gov. So if you were one of those six people, congratulations, you now owe an insurance company money before anyone else.
Robocop is My Roommate: Part man. Part Netflix lover. All roommate.
Syria has allegedly destroyed its equipment for making chemical weapons. And just to be safe, they destroyed any equipment that could’ve been used to make another “Paranormal Activity” movie.
The story of a woman forced to get a worse insurance plan because of Obamacare has been debunked. At which point Bigfoot broke into her home and stole her.
Thus far this year, there have been 3,188 cases of laser pointers being aimed into airplane cockpits. But don’t think you’re going to get away with it for much longer, Teenage Giant Squid With Disposable Income Trying to Impress His Friends.
Meanwhile, the FAA announced airlines may allow passengers to use electronic devices at all times on an airplane as long as they don’t make phone calls. Meaning that you’ll unfortunately be limited to posting on Facebook about how there’s “something on the wing.”
The Red Sox defeated the Cardinals to win the World Series on Wednesday night. It was the first time since 1918 that they’d won the championship at home, so it was nice that their mummies didn’t have to travel.
Edward Snowden has reportedly gotten a job at a “major” Russian website. And already he’s discovered his new boss is quite a prankster.
According to a new poll, 60 percent of Americans support the death penalty, the lowest number since 1972. It’s also the highest number of people who have heard of the Ten Commandments.
In front of Congress, NSA director Keith Alexander maintained that his agency is keeping Americans safe. Which he can offer no evidence of, just like he can’t prove that he’s actually being honest for once.
Members of the Obama administration are calling the report about 50 to 75 percent of people with individual health coverage being forced to switch plans “misleading.” Great word choice, people who said 100 percent of people with individual health coverage wouldn’t be forced to switch plans.
Texas’s attorney general has requested an emergency ruling on a judge’s decision to throw out much of the state’s new anti-abortion law. Because who knows how many women will make up their own minds if the government doesn’t step in immediately?
A polio outbreak has been confirmed in Syria. That’s Syria, a country that just keeps getting more and more boring to read about.
The director of the agency responsible for Healthcare.gov told Congress that the site’s glitches are “not acceptable.” But on the bright side, it only took members of Congress a month to get a response from her.
The Jonas Brothers are splitting up, and the decision was unanimous among everyone in the band and just everyone in general.
Sen. Diane Feinstein said the U.S. will stop spying on its allies. Adding, “As long as they don’t live in the U.S., visit the U.S. or communicate with anyone from the U.S.”
Fifty to 75 percent of people with individual health coverage will be forced to change their insurance due to the Affordable Care Act. Because just like people were promised, if you like your current insurance plan, shut up. Just shut up.
Worse, the Obama administration reportedly knew it would happen for three years. President Obama is pretty angry too since, yet again, no one told him about this.
A federal judge has declared much of Texas’s anti-abortion legislation illegal. And it didn’t help conservatives that the legislation only referred to vaginas as “conveniently located penis encasements.”
Penn State says it will pay 26 Jerry Sandusky victims $59.7 million. At which point, Joe Paterno’s children coughed really loudly and held out their hands.
A Brazilian surfer is believed to have surfed a record-breaking 100-foot wave. To put that in perspective, imagine a really tan guy in great shape.
Shaquille O’Neill is endorsing Gov. Chris Christie’s for re-election in New Jersey. Shaq for once dropping his strict “trust him as far as you can throw him” policy.
President Obama says he was unaware that the NSA was spying on 35 world leaders. So between the health care website, the NSA and the IRS going after political groups, there’s actually very little you can blame on Obama.
Meanwhile, Edward Snowden’s latest revelation is that the NSA collected data on millions of phone calls in Spain. Why Spain? Perhaps the better question is, have you heard of the term “armada”?
In the Senate race between his daughter Liz and Mike Enzi, Dick Cheney distanced himself from Enzi, saying, “Mike also said he and I are fishing buddies, which is simply not true.” Because if it was, Mike Enzi would be dead.
States are looking into “pay-per-mile” taxes that would require installing black boxes in cars. Your move, people who thought the government couldn’t possibly ruin electric cars.
New York City’s last mayoral debate has been moved, as it was scheduled for the anniversary of Hurricane Sandy. And if there’s one thing Republican candidate John Lhota doesn’t want, it’s making it easier for people to draw parallels between his campaign and a major disaster.
A comedy show on the BBC is being criticized after making a joke about Prince Harry’s drug use. Particularly the part about a comedy show on the BBC making a joke.
New information from Edward Snowden says the NSA monitored the phone conversations of 35 world leaders. Somehow not among that list, Adele.
Meanwhile, the U.S. is warning countries they’ve secretly worked with that Edward Snowden might publicize their relationships. In unrelated news, has anyone seen Iran in a while?
Germany and France are calling for a “no-spying” deal with America. “We would also like in on this,” said the American people.
Zac Effron celebrated his 26th birthday this week. His face turns 11 next week.
A Republican precinct chairman in North Carolina resigned after The Daily Show showed him making racist comments. Or as the Tea Party refers to them, comments.
The Obama administration will delay the individual health care mandate by six weeks to give people more time to sign up and to address ongoing glitches. Giving Ted Cruz a reason to celebrate and high-five his best friend, Naked Mirror Ted Cruz.
New information suggests the Pakistani government was consistently briefed on any U.S. drone strikes in the country. Putting the Pakistani people in an awkward spot, since now they have to violently hate two governments.
A black teenager is suing Barneys and the NYPD after undercover cops accosted him when he purchased a $350 belt. Raising a good lesson for black teenagers: Don’t ever do anything in public.
In an interview with GQ, a man who piloted drones for six years says he now suffers from PTSD. And that’s just from playing Call of Duty on his breaks.
Publisher Conde Nast said it will stop offering internships after it was sued for not paying interns. It was either that or admitting college students are actual people.