The White House says Americans who have fought for ISIS have returned to the U.S. Which unfortunately is gonna make it a lot trickier to kill them without trial.
Three Afghan soldiers who went missing during a training exercise in Cape Cod were found trying to cross into Canada. And the student has become the master.
Nearly a thousand people participated in the “Flood Wall Street” protest Monday. Including a few who misheard and brought a bunch of sandwiches.
The Rockefeller family says it will no longer invest in fossil fuels. Likewise, the Ford family will no longer invest in comparing Jews to vermin.
A FIFA board member suggested the World Cup won’t be held in Qatar. Which would be great news for the people building the stadium there, as they can finally die in peace.
Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan performed her first same-sex wedding over the weekend. Kagan doing it as a favor to her colleague Antonin Scalia and his partner, a sheet cake with a penis.
The New York Times says it was the late Hawaii Sen. Daniel Inouye who squeezed Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand’s waist and said, “I like my girls chubby!” Which works out for Gillibrand since she likes her misogynists dead.
Mexico is investigating an incident in which Miley Cyrus got spanked by the Mexican flag on stage. Their main priority: Does Miley Cyrus have any understanding of symbolism?
Eminem’s publishers are suing a New Zealand political party for using a song of his in a campaign ad. Forcing the group to find a new song that still conveys that they hate women and gays.
Scientists have identified where they will land a probe on a moving comet. Said scientists, “Near the back.”
Comcast denies it will disconnect customers who use the anonymous web browser Tor. Rather, they will adhere to their current policy: disconnecting customers who use any web browser.
McDonald’s will give out free coffee for the next two weeks. Or as blind people refer to it, hot urine.
The FBI says its facial recognition surveillance system is now fully operational. To sign up for free, simply visit www.facebook.com.
During a concert in Sydney, Kanye West called out fans in wheelchairs for not dancing to one of his songs. Which he can get away with saying since he’s handicapped emotionally.
The situation got more awkward when Kanye had his bodyguard go into the crowd to verify one fan was indeed handicapped. As it turns out, the guy who thinks he’s on par with Jesus is big into honesty.
Responding to the controversy, Kanye West told critics, “Pick another target.” Which they would, unfortunately no one else has singled out people in wheelchairs recently.
Microsoft will pay over $2 billion for the company that created “Minecraft.” “Minecraft” being a game where you can create any type of world you want, including one where Apple doesn’t exist.
Heineken declined an offer to be bought out by a larger competitor. Surprising financial analysts who thought Heineken was the biggest creator of stuff you don’t want to put in your face.
Urban Outfitters has stopped selling a Kent State sweatshirt that appears to be splattered in blood. The sweatshirt referencing a tragic time in our nation’s history when young people went off to a state school.
A statue of Amy Winehouse was unveiled this week in north London. Since it’s bronze, it should be pretty challenging for it to try and do heroin.
Oscar Pistorius has been convicted of manslaughter in the death of his girlfriend. However, it’s possible he may only be fined—a simple slap on the wrist. He still has wrists, right?
Zeus, the world’s tallest dog, died this week. His owners say he was a great dog and will be an even better table.
The government threatened to fine Yahoo $250,000 a day if the company didn’t comply with user data requests. Putting Yahoo in a tough spot, as they don’t have any users to generate data in the first place.
Discussing Syria, House Speaker John Boehner said, “We ought to give the president what he’s asking for.” Or as Boehner actually said it, “We…ought…to give…the…pres…pres…the Obama what he’s…asking…*heavy breathing*…what he’s asking for.”
- the taco emoticon
- Earplugs for this Sunday’s Deafheaven show
- Google AdSense and how we can’t make any “AdSense” of it #lol
Apple introduced the Apple Watch, with CEO Tim Cook calling it “the most personal device we’ve ever made.” So now when it malfunctions, and it will, you’ll know: It’s personal.
The company also unveiled Apple Pay, a way to use your phone at stores to buy things, while explaining, “Apple doesn’t know what you bought, where you bought it, and how much you bought it for.” Adding, “Apple just knows you’ve got nice boobs and how often you like to take pictures of them.”
A preliminary report says Flight MH-17 was hit by “high-energy objects” while flying over Ukraine. Naturally, Russian-backed rebels in the area deny ever even having 5-year-olds.
Scientists say Europa, one of Jupiter’s six moons, has plate tectonics similar to Earth. However, on Europa, people know better than to live in L.A.
President Obama will address the issue of ISIS in a primetime speech. Analysts look forward to hearing what he will say then immediately back down from.
David Bowie will release two new songs this fall. Because David Bowie knows summer sucks.
A mob of teens attacked several people outside a Kroger supermarket in Memphis. For more on the story, visit the New York Times, CNN or the teens’ Facebook pages.
Ray Rice’s wife, Janay, made her first statement on the couple’s domestic violence incident. Unfortunately the NFL is ignoring it because it’s not a video.
Cher has postponed her upcoming tour. Turns out, she died five years ago.
A fire destroyed part of a wooden roller coaster at Southern California’s Six Flags Magic Mountain. Much of the damage being blamed on the slow response of the fire department.
The CEO of Panera has asked customers not to bring weapons into his restaurants. But, gun to his head, I’d bet he changes his mind.
Oreo will be releasing pumpkin spice cookies. Offering the same great experience, except when you twist open the cookie, there’s a tiny mirror so you can take a long look at yourself.
Doctors say a virus is spreading among children across the Midwest. Though that’s a pretty melodramatic way to refer to abject boredom.
The EU is delaying new sanctions against Russia. To be fair, Putin hasn’t even invaded Poland yet.
A London airport was shut down due to a “suspect package.” That way they could give their detectives some time to work.
Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei underwent prostrate surgery Monday. “We found it,” said doctors. “We found the stick that was up his ass.”
An Internet challenge to burn the ISIS flag has gone viral in the Middle East. On the down side, they’re using the American flag for kindling.
Ukraine agreed to a ceasefire with rebels on Friday. The process taking longer than expected because the rebels kept having to leave the meeting to call not Putin.
John Kerry announced the U.S. is forming a “core coalition” to fight ISIS. Because that coalition that focused solely on legs and arms wasn’t getting it done.
NATO is working on a rapid-response team in case Russia ever invades an ally. They’re calling it “nuclear missiles.”
A new book alleges that the station chief in Benghazi could’ve saved the lives of those who died at the consulate. Yes, but why did Hillary tell him to do that?
Apple says it will increase security after several female celebrities had their accounts hacked. Meanwhile, Samsung says it will just keep making phones.
NASA says an asteroid will get “very close” to the Earth Sunday. That is, if only the Earth will let it…
Neither of George W. Bush’s daughters are registered Republicans. Which must really upset their dad, Dick Cheney.
"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a beard around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hadn’t ended."