June 19, 2014
Civil Shepherd: Jokes for Thurs., June 19

Part III of #HISTORYSHARKWEEK brings you back to that unbelievably hilarious part of American history known as the Civil Rights era. 
The Little League is formed in 1939, becoming the nation’s first non-segregated sport for children. Allowing fathers of all colors to yell at their kids for their inability to play like adults.

To counteract discriminatory hiring practices by the federal government, FDR creates the Fair Employment Practices Commission. And to ensure oversight of the commission, he made sure their offices were on the ground floor.

High school student Claudette Colvin becomes the first person to refuse to give up her seat on a bus because of her race. Colvin learning an important lesson: No one cares what you do if you’re just a 15-year-old.

Autherine Lucy, the first black student to be admitted to the University of Alabama, is suspended when white students on the campus riot. On the bright side, those students who rioted when Joe Paterno was fired for not reporting a child molester don’t look so bad.

TV’s “The Nat King Cole Show” is canceled after a year because no company would sponsor it. Not even Nate Kang’s Coleslaw.

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June 18, 2014

Celebrate the release of linkinpark's new album by re-celebrating the only Linkin Park-themed tour of NYC parks. Starring Tom Saporito.

June 18, 2014
House of Spain: Jokes for Wed., June 18

#HISTORYSHARKWEEK continues with “The War to Prequel All Wars,” the Spanish-American War.

In February 1895, Cuban nationalists revolted against Spanish rule. The Cuban people seeking independence, freedom from unjust taxes, and to have their faces on the T-shirts of college students.

In response to the uprising, Spain sent in General Valeriano “The Butcher” Weyler, who assembled concentration camps and tortured rebels. Weyler never getting over the fact that he gave up his boxing career for greater job security.

Soon thereafter, William McKinley is elected president after promising to free Cuba. The country coming together post-Civil War in the belief that free brown people are less trouble than non-free brown people.

The Spanish ambassador to the U.S. is forced to resign after a private letter gets leaked in which he calls McKinley “weak.” To prove him wrong, McKinley would later host the first annual Shoot Me in the Chest Buffalo, New York Invitational.

On Feb. 15, 1898, a mysterious explosion destroys the USS Maine in Havana Harbor. This would spark the famous slogan “Remember Maine, It’s A State. Also, That Boat.”

Two months later, McKinley asked Congress to declare war on Spain despite Spain agreeing to all of America’s demands. “No, no, no,” said America. “I want ALL the nachos.”

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June 17, 2014
The Presidentialing: Jokes for Tues., June 17

Nothing but jokes about U.S. presidents today. #HISTORYSHARKWEEK

While attending college in Maine, Franklin Pierce joined a progressive literary society. But hey, those were Pierce’s wild days.

A fellow member of the group at the time was writer Nathaniel Hawthorne. Though he was almost kicked out because every time he made a mistake, he insisted on making it very public as if he was proud of it or something.

Weeks after being elected president, Pierce and his family were trapped in a derailed train leaving Boston. All in all, at least they were out of Boston.

James Polk appointed Cave Johnson to be United States Postmaster General. Cave Johnson being named after the place where his parents found him.

Part of Polk’s successful presidential election was due to immigrant voters. Much of that sentence making very little sense to modern-day Republicans.

At the very beginning of his presidency, Polk set out (then subsequently accomplished) four clear goals: reestablish the Independent Treasury System; reduce tariffs; acquire California and New Mexico from Mexico; and try to get Mexico to take back New Mexico.

When elected, Martin Van Buren became the first president who was neither Irish nor British. Americans finally saying, “We want someone with good teeth who doesn’t hit his wife.”

The phrase “okay” supposedly began under Van Buren’s administration. Historians say it had to do with his nickname, “Old Kinderhook,” as well as the fact that he was just pretty easygoing.

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June 13, 2014
Iraq to the Future: Jokes for Friday, June 13

Iraq’s most senior Shia cleric has issued a call to arms. In response, U.S. authorities said they will finally stop putting off learning what a Shia is.

Meanwhile, Iraq’s government has requested U.S. airstrikes to stop terrorists from overrunning their cities. Said Obama, “Alright, but everyone heard that, right? They want us to bomb them. Everyone heard that? Cool, let’s do this.”

The airstrikes could reportedly target areas in Syria. Confirming what we’ve all suspected: Syrians are worthless.

Sen. John McCain appeared on television on Friday to blame the White House for the current situation in Iraq. Particularly how Iraqis keep bringing up the fact that he picked Sarah Palin as his running mate.

Harrison Ford broke his ankle on the set of the new “Star Wars” film. Said the doctor to Ford, “It’s broken.” To which Ford said, “I know.”

In England, 89 inmates have reportedly escaped an open prison. However, authorities were able to determine their escape route.

Scientists say they’ve found evidence of a massive underground ocean. Or as scientists who aren’t trying to make headlines would call it, mud.

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June 11, 2014
Da Brat: Jokes for Wed., June 11

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost his bid for re-election on Tuesday night. To be fair, it was a risky move shutting down the government and hoping it would last over a year.

Cantor was defeated 55 to 45 by Tea Party candidate Dave Brat. Citing his past encouragement of the far right group,  Cantor, looking at Brat, said, “I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.”

The race between Cantor and Brat saw only a 12 percent voter turnout. The real winner in this race? Democracy. Because it can finally die peacefully.

Brat’s victory marked the first defeat of an incumbent House majority leader since 1899, when the position was first created. Or as Republicans refer to it, the Golden Age.

During his campaign, Brat accused Cantor of favoring amnesty for illegal immigrants. At which point he pointed to Frank, the brownest man in town.

Brat’s win sets up an election between himself, an economics professor at Randolph-Macon College, and Democratic challenger Jack Trammell, a sociology professor at Randolph–Macon College. Brat said he’s going to ask Trammell the tough questions, like “What can anyone do with a sociology degree?”

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June 10, 2014
Bo Knows Kidnapping: Jokes for Tues., June 10

Boko Haram allegedly kidnapped 20 Nigerian women last week. Said Boko Haram, “We need someone to help us manage all these girls no one seems to want to rescue.”

The group also took three men who attempted to stop the abduction. The government believes the men were not members of the Nigerian military, as they attempted to stop the abduction.

Attempting to clarify what she said about once being broke, Hillary Clinton said she can “fully appreciate how hard life is for so many Americans.” For example, that time she spent two hours sitting in the back of a car before she realized she wasn’t in a limo.

Clinton also revealed that the Obama campaign asked her to attack Sarah Palin in 2008. Unfortunately for the Obama campaign, she tends to freeze up whenever anyone mentions an attack.

Iraq’s prime minister has asked for a state of emergency to be declared in response to Islamic militants overtaking the second largest city. And we all remember how bad it was the last time they got attacked by fundamentalists.

The attack follows the group’s assault on Fallujah earlier this year, which the government has still been unable to take back. Much like what they said about my son Spencer that night they got drunk.

Meanwhile, Pakistan is reporting that the Taliban attacked a security training center using two different entrances. Authorities still remain unclear as to how the Taliban had time to watch this week’s “Game of Thrones.”

The assault occurred near Pakistan’s Karachi airport, which was just attacked on Sunday night. An attack that could’ve been prevented had the airport just let high school dropouts frisk some children on occasion.

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June 9, 2014
2 Broke Clintons: Jokes for Mon., June 9

President Obama has signed an executive order that will forgive unpaid student loan debt after 20 years. Meaning you can finally give your parents a definitive date when they can have their workout room back.

A new study suggests marijuana is responsible for nearly one in eight traffic deaths. Even worse, they’ve all taken place in Taco Bell parking lots.

Wisconsin’s attorney general filed a petition to halt the state’s legalization of gay marriage. Proving that he will do anything to avoid commitment.

Researchers say the male face has evolved to better withstand a punch. Case in point: Carrot Top.

In an new interview, Hillary Clinton said she and her husband “came out of the White House not only dead broke, but in debt.” To be fair, living rent-free in a mansion for eight years can really mess with you.

Instagram says it will begin introducing ads. Great, just what I want in between pictures of food and clothes: advertisements.

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June 6, 2014
Do You Want to Build a Summons?: Jokes for Friday, June 6

A pie seller in China has gained fame for looking like President Xi Jinping. Likewise, a pie in North Korea has gained fame for looking like Kim Jong-un.

Today is Free Donut Day. Or as I like to call it, Decent Excuse to Put on Pants Day.

A woman says she’s divorcing her husband because he didn’t like “Frozen.” So weird that a guy whose wife is throwing away their marriage over a movie doesn’t enjoy a story revolving around an ice queen.

Pope Francis has fired the all-Italian board of the Vatican’s financial watchdog agency. Said members of the board, “Ahhh, come on, pope-o!”

"Man vs. Food" host Adam Richman revealed he’s lost 70 pounds by posing naked for a magazine. Finally clarifying that he wasn’t fighting food so much as he was your urge to ever eat again.

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June 6, 2014

Filed under: kim jong-un chocolate 
June 4, 2014
Lil Bowe Wow: Jokes for Wed., June 4

Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl apparently left behind a note before leaving his post and being captured by the Taliban. Though it’s still unclear what he meant by “Gone to join Taliban.”

Bergdahl was freed over the weekend in exchange for five Guantanamo Bay detainees. So if just 30 more soldiers can get captured, Obama can make good on his 2008 campaign promise.

Gen. Martin Dempsey said it’s possible the soldier could be prosecuted if he did in fact abandon his post. Said Dempsey, “You can’t just leave without killing some civilians and not expect to be punished.”

The Taliban have released a video showing Bergdahl being handed over to U.S. forces. And it’ll be interesting to compare American footage of the event when it gets leaked in five years.

Congress has criticized the deal, partly because the White House must give 30 days notice before transferring prisoners from Guantanamo. Also, someone really should’ve let them know the war in Afghanistan is still a thing.

In an interview with People magazine, Hillary Clinton says she’s “moved on” from her husband’s affair with Monica Lewinsky. Right, but what does she think of Jennifer Aniston’s hips? They’re big, right?

Ayatollah Ali Khameni says he believes Obama won’t attack Iran over its nuclear program. At which point he brought out a literal stick with which to poke Israel.

Recently discovered documents show that tobacco companies wanted to sell marijuana in the 1970s. The companies have since backed away from the proposal, citing a lack of face tumors.

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June 3, 2014
Eastern Promises: Jokes for Mon., June 3

Chiquita Banana is lobbying against a bill that would make suing financiers of terrorism easier. Meanwhile the public’s response remains split.

NASA says it has found a “Mega Earth.” And on its surface, a Mega Man.

Today marks the 25th anniversary of Tienanmen Square. China says it will never forget the day it got to test how good its tanks are.

Obama has pledged $1 billion in security aid for Eastern Europe. And don’t worry, South Vietnam, he hasn’t forgotten you either.

Former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino is joining a lawsuit against the NFL over concussions. It’s either that or sit around thinking about how he never won a Super Bowl and eventually got that circus bear killed.

On Monday, Apple unveiled updates to its computer and phone operating systems. The idea being to connect the two so users are consistently frustrated.

Hedgehogs are becoming more popular as pets in the United States. Owners say they’re great because they’re small, don’t require a lot of attention, and not cats.

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May 9, 2014
Koch Whores: Jokes for Friday, May 9

This will most likely be the last batch of new jokes for a while, so savor them, Internet. Savor them with your computer mouth.

Amnesty International claims Nigeria’s government knew about Boko Haram’s plans to kidnap over 200 girls. Said Nigeria, “Yeah, but who are you gonna trust?” And in Nigeria’s defense, some of those girls might’ve been lesbians anyway.

Vladimir Putin traveled to Crimea for the first time since Russia invaded it. Bringing along with him his new banner that read: “In Russia, Mission Accomplishes You.”

The project to build better transport helicopters for the president is estimated to cost $10 billion to $17 billion. Because you want a helicopter that can keep you safe from all those people who just learned it cost $10 billion to $17 billion.

Billionaires David and Charles Koch plan to spend $125 million financing candidates for the 2014 midterm elections. In related news, judges on the Supreme Court all gave each other a smile and nod as if to say “great job, player.”

Oscar Pistorius has sold the house where he shot and killed his girlfriend. The house features four bedrooms, a spiral staircase, and a great proximity to the court of public opinion.

Vermont has become the first state to require the labeling of genetically modified foods. Not to be outdone, Mississippi realized they can eat most labels.

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May 8, 2014
Need For Weed: Jokes for Thurs., May 8

A new recording of Donald Sterling features the Clippers owner saying, “I’m not a racist.” And if that doesn’t work, perhaps you’d be interested in a newer recording where he talks about his friendship with the blacks.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford told a journalist on the phone that he’s getting in trouble for talking to journalists on the phone while he’s in rehab. Soooo he’s got a ways to go.

9/11-related illnesses have officially killed more police officers than the actual attacks. On the bright side, politicians don’t think they’re faking it anymore.

Legalized marijuana in the U.S. is already forcing Mexican cartels to stop growing pot. On the other hand, maybe we should give this “War on Drugs” thing one more shot.

The New York Public Library has dropped its plan to gut its central location. Said one spokesman, “I mean, have you guys ever read one of these—what is this called again?—books? It’s pretty good.”

In Japan, a man was arrested for making guns using a 3D printer. But who will look after his 3D-printed wife?

The NYPD officer who shot unarmed teen Kimani Gray has been given a “Cop of the Year” award. The officer was of course humble, saying devastating a family without repercussions was thanks enough.

Ad agencies are turning to “sadvertising” in order to make consumers cry. For example, a luxury car driven by a reminder that the middle class is dying.

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May 7, 2014
Eastern Europe-bound and Down: Jokes for Wed., May 7

A death row inmate is suing Texas over fears they’ll mess up the execution. And not in a “we killed another innocent man” way.

The government released a 1,100-page report warning that climate change is already here. And just to show they’re making an effort, they printed it double-sided.

NATO is considering placing troops in Eastern Europe permanently. Particularly Eastern Northern Basically Russia Europe.

Speaker John Boehner won the Republican primary in his district in Ohio. Boehner beat out three other candidates, none of whom were responsible for the government shutdown but they weren’t not responsible either.

China’s version of Amazon filed to be traded publicly in the U.S. The key difference between the two: one pays its workers next to nothing while endangering their safety and the other is in China.

In his new book, Michael Jordan says he grew up being racist against white people. The title of that book? “Race Jam.”

Uruguay’s president signed rules creating the first legal pot market. The process took a while because he couldn’t get over how weird pens are when you really think about it.

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