Fake cellphone towers have been discovered throughout the country. Even more mysterious, why are they green and covered in thorns?
Several female celebrities had their Apple iCloud accounts hacked and their nude photos posted online. Reminding everyone to once again, please, respect Lily Tomlin’s privacy.
In response, the FBI is investigating the hacking incident. The same goes for the NSA, CIA, Homeland Security, local law enforcement, and Bill Clinton.
Mexico is investigating a mass fish death in one of its lakes. Their prime suspect: the local drug sharkartel.
“Guardians of the Galaxy” became the highest grossing film of 2014 over the weeknd. Still in 44th place: “Prison Guardians go to a Galaxy Game.”
Discussing Ukraine on Friday, Vladimir Putin said, “I want to remind you that Russia is one of the most powerful nuclear nations.” A remark meant to intimidate both Ukraine and whoever keeps messing with Russia’s Wikipedia page.
Police in Britain may soon be allowed to seize the passports of suspected terrorists. So on the bright side, tan guys with beards, you won’t even have to worry about getting far enough to be patted down.
Discussing charges that he drugged a woman, Cee Lo Green tweeted, “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” Making this an awkward time for him to brag.
Fake cellphone towers have been discovered throughout the country. Even more mysterious, why are they green and covered in thorns?
It’s been revealed that ISIS has been waterboarding hostages. During which ISIS often starts crying and shouting, “I learned it from you, Dad! I learned it from you!”
A new report says half of all Syrians have been displaced. Many seeking shelter by digging six foot deep holes in the ground and laying in them.
Five protesters are suing Ferguson police for $41.5 million for abuse. And really, isn’t receiving millions of dollars what this is all about?
The White House has approved Pennsylvania’s plan to join Obamacare by paying private insurers with federal money. Thereby providing 600,000 people with the chance to find out why others hate private insurers.
An independent autopsy of the inmate whose execution lasted 43 minutes says he did not die of a heart attack as reported. Because that would’ve been awful.
Zara pulled a child’s shirt that resembled what Holocaust victims had to wear. The retailer promising to find a final solution to the problem.
The New York Times refused to endorse Andrew Cuomo for governor due to corruption allegations. To which Cuomo said, “How much to change your mind?”
The homeless person Miley Cyrus brought to the VMAs is wanted by Oregon police. Wow. First he finds out Miley Cyrus isn’t also a homeless person and now this.
A draft report from a United Nations science panel says damage already caused by climate change may be irreversible. Unfortunately Republicans remain unconvinced that the United Nations even exists.
A Texas farmer discovered a 60,000-year-old skeleton on his property. The farmer says it’s easily the sneakiest Mexican he’s ever seen.
A 9-year-old girl accidentally killed her shooting instructor while being shown how to use a submachine gun. The girl learning a valuable lesson: Shooting an idiot is oftentimes legal.
Lockheed Martin has agreed to a deal with an Australian firm to track space junk. Said the Australians, “Wait till you see how good we’ve gotten with these boomerangs.”
Following his funeral, the New York Times published an article saying Michael Brown was “no angel.” Though in the author’s defense, he’s no not an asshole.
Russia says troops recently captured in Ukraine were there “by accident.” In fact, they were supposed to be on the other side of the border putting on a “Ukrainian rebel” outfit.
The UK embassy apologized for a tweet joking about the burning of the White House during the War of 1812. Particularly for causing Americans to learn briefly about the War of 1812.
Burger King is set to buy Canadian donut chain Tim Hortons. So now you can have it your ay.
The World Health Organization is calling for greater regulation of e-cigarettes. The group suggesting there has to be a better way to identify a douchebag.
The mayor of Berlin is resigning over his failure to open an airport that was supposed to be completed in 2011. “And all the crack he smoked, right?” said citizens of Toronto.
“Breaking Bad” took home several Emmys Monday night for its final season. Including the award for Most Recognized TV Show No One Really Talks About Anymore.
President Obama authorized the use of spy planes in Syria. Because after three years of a civil war and thousands of civilian casualties, it’s time to figure out what’s really going on there.
The Ferguson Police Department released a report on Friday saying Michael Brown was a suspect in the theft of a box of cheap cigars. And let’s not forget the way he brandished his empty hands at those officers.
The Ferguson Police Department also released the name of the officer who shot and killed the unarmed teenager. And you should really be ashamed of yourself, Officer Graham Fakeman.
The Pentagon says it has given over $500 million worth of military equipment to local police in just the past year. In the Pentagon’s defense, the police told them they were Israel.
Doctors Without Borders predicts the Ebola epidemic will take six months to contain. Which should at least give victims enough time to finish that scarf.
Armored Russian vehicles passed into Ukraine late Thursday night. Outraged over the incursion, Ukraine said, “Oh, come on. Again? Alright.”
Germany reportedly recorded a conversation involving Hillary Clinton. But hey, at least we know it didn’t involve Bill Clinton too.
NASCAR introduced new rules on drivers exiting their cars after a driver was killed last weekend. Drivers are upset, as sticking around and having to watch NASCAR is the worst thing ever.
Russia’s prime minister had his Twitter account hacked. Yeah, you can tell it was hacked because he stopped posting pictures of Putin’s balls in his mouth.
In other Twitter news, Michael Jackson’s latest music video premiered on the social network. And if there’s anything stockholders want to hear, it’s “Hey, check out this thing we did with a dead guy.”
The White House discovered that the Pentagon has been sending military supplies to Israel without approval. The Pentagon has since apologized for making the White House feel like the American people.
Reporters were arrested in Ferguson, Mo., as police continue to crack down on protestors. Police are understandably upset, as media should be doing their real job: describing Robin Williams’ death in graphic detail.
The FBI’s most wanted lone female was arrested this week in a shopping mall. Authorities say they got a reliable tip from informant Clichéd 1990s Standup Comedian, who said, “Ladies be shopping, man!”
Burger King says it will phase out its low-calorie French fries. Bad news for people who enjoy things that don’t exist.
Israel and Palestinians agreed to renew their current ceasefire. “Do you need more time to reload?” “Yeah, these things jam up like crazy.” “Tell me about it!”
Two German artists have taken credit for placing white flags atop the Brooklyn Bridge last month. The artists continuing a long tradition of tourists being stupid on the Brooklyn Bridge.
A Russian aid convoy is still proceeding to Ukraine despite Ukraine saying it will not be allowed to enter the country. Said Russia, “We’ve heard that one before.”
Samsung unveiled a new phone that is both smaller and thinner. Catch it co-starring in the next Spider-Man movie.
A Texas judge ordered a video showing abuse in the foster care system be taken down from the Internet. Unfortunately it’s too late. The Texas foster care system now has a reality TV show.
Researchers say hemp fibers can be used to make cheap, incredibly efficient energy storage devices. If only they could use that energy towards moving out of their parents’ house.
Police in Ferguson, Missouri, fired tear gas at people protesting the shooting of an unarmed teen. Because if they like anything more than shooting an unarmed teen, it’s irony.
Robin Williams was found dead on Monday. Williams was featured in over 20 comedies, or as the Oscars refer to them, “comedies.”
Iraq’s president named a new prime minister despite the current prime minister refusing to leave office. Experts are calling it the most concerning thing to happen in Iraq in the last 20 seconds.
The Toronto Raptors will be fined $25,000 after team ambassador Drake tried wooing a Thunder player at a concert. That’s Canadians: The only people who could figure out how to be penalized for being too nice.
The world’s first surviving panda triplets were born on Tuesday. No pictures have been released yet, so in the meantime, just imagine three scoops of ice cream that you can snuggle.
Ukraine stopped a Russian aid convoy from entering the country. Russia is outraged, as it earnestly thought Ukrainians eat bullets and rockets.
The U.S. is working to increase its military presence in Australia. “But do we really want any military presents?” said Australian opposition leader, Koala Koalington, as he wrapped himself in a blanket and yawned.
Islamic fundamentalist group ISIS is trying to get Western women to marry its soldiers. They’ve even placed a personal ad that reads: “If you like pina coladas, and being denied fundamental human rights…”
The Tea Party failed to defeat Pat Roberts of Kansas, a member of Congress since 1981. A time when the Koch brothers were only beginning to dream, “Will we ever be rich enough to confuse middle-class white people into voting against their own interests?”
Russian gangsters reportedly stole over 1 billion Internet passwords. Affected sites include Tumglr, Mouthbook, and Veryhotmail. Is like Hotmail but better.
Missouri conducted the country’s first execution since Arizona’s botched lethal injection. Said officials, “Let’s get this train rolling again—choo chooo!”
A member of the Chicago Bears was suspended after body slamming a rookie during practice. It’s still unclear why the rookie tennis player was there in the first place.
Because waiting around for a return to any semblance of normalcy is lame!
An Obama administration program sent Latin American teens to Cuba to incite political change. The only problem being that it was a program that sent teens to Cuba to incite political change.
Starting in October 2009, young Latin Americans from Venezuela, Costa Rica, and Peru went to Cuba under the guise of health care programming. A big mistake since we really could’ve used them here for that.
They entered the country with the “perfect excuse” of providing HIV prevention training while seeking political actors to lead a revolution. Making this the first time abstinence could’ve worked.
The U.S. reportedly paid them as little as $5.14 an hour. Though it could’ve been worse. They could’ve been interns for Conde Nast.
Worse, they were offered as little as 30 minutes of training on how to avoid Cuban intelligence officials. And if you know anything about teens, you know 10 minutes of that was spent telling them to get off their phones.
“Although there is never total certainty, trust that the authorities will not try to harm you physically, only frighten you,” read a memo obtained by the AP. Dot dot dot “by cutting off your best friend’s balls.”
The youths were responsible for sending encrypted emails, which could have set off alarms and put them in danger. “Yeah,” said their parents holding a garbage bag full of tube socks. “They’re not as secretive as they think they are.”
Note: Italics have been added for extra humor points.
Addressing the war in Gaza on Monday, House Speaker John Boehner said, “At times like this, people try to isolate Israel.” Which explains that time he tried hugging that dude right after the guy stabbed a bunch of people.
Meanwhile, senators from New York, Maryland, and South Carolina wrote a letter to the president, saying, “Israel must be allowed to take any actions necessary to remove those threats.” The last time these states agreed on something? Just how cool the slave trade was.
On Tuesday, Israeli knocked out the Gaza Strip’s power plant, leaving 1.7 million without electricity and parents having to get in touch with their children the old-fashioned way: finding their bodies laying in the streets.
Worse, Tuesday’s attack left at least 26 Palestinian civilians dead. Though there’s a good chance at least some of them didn’t like Israel.
OKCupid has admitted to experimenting on users. Most users were fine with the news since they’re no stranger to being experimented on.
OKCupid’s founder said, “Guess what, everybody: If you use the Internet, you’re the subject of hundreds of experiments at any given time, on every site. That’s how websites work.” So suck on that, people who know HTML.
A new study says 35 percent of Americans are being sought by debt collectors. However, that’s according to the ones who still answer their phones when they see an unlisted number.
Interestingly, that percentage has stayed roughly the same since 2009’s Great Recession. Or as one-third of the population refers to it, 2009.
A campaign in London is attempting to get strangers to talk more to one another. They’re calling it "Drinking."