A video that amalgamates my love of Russian dash cam videos with my predilection for making fun of Russians.
During a show in Dubai, a male fan rushed onstage and grabbed Justin Bieber. It’s hard to tell who should be more embarrassed, the male fan or the stage.
U.N. investigators say Syrian rebels were responsible for the recent chemical weapons attack. In response, the United States is outraged that the U.N. would go to Syria.
Scientists warn that the Arctic Ocean is “acidifying rapidly.” Which explains why so many polar bears are saying they met god.
The world’s 3D-printed gun was tested successfully in the U.S. “Hey, America, here’s a device that can make anything you want.” “Anything?! Awesome, let’s make a gun!”
YouTube will launch paid subscriptions for premium channels this week. Thankfully you can just go to YouTube to watch them for free.
The New York Times say al-Qaeda is getting better at inspiring terrorists via the Internet. Though getting the attention of lonely yet angry guys on the Internet isn’t exactly something to brag about.
A study says that parents who suck their child’s pacifier encourage less allergies. Not to mention, early recognition of how insane parents are.
Trying to figure out a new format for these that’s more picture-oriented. On the down side, that could mean way more individual posts each day, which would probably be annoying to anyone who follows this Tumblr. Other option is to spin off and make a new Tumblr that’s meme-oriented while still keeping this one in existence. If you have any ideas or opinions or pictures of pugs, let me know.
A newly discovered skeleton shows that Jamestown colonists resorted to cannibalism. Likewise, they found nearby footprints of Native Americans walking toward the colony then running away, very, very fast.
Apparently Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was arrested Monday by Iranian security forces. Which really throws into question just how stable the democracy of a fundamentalist-run country really is.
Ahmadinejad was reportedly questioned about documents that could damage the country’s Islamic regime. One group of documents seemed particularly damning.
According to Consumer Reports, over half of ground turkey contains fecal bacteria. Not too surprising though that something that looks like the devil would figure out a way to poison people.
Authorities say they’ve arrested three more suspects in connection with the Boston Marathon bombings. Or as CNN reported it, 58 more suspects and an abandoned dog.
At a town hall meeting, Sen. Kelly Ayotte was questioned about voting against background checks by the daughter of the Sandy Hook Elementary School principal who was killed in the school shooting. Of course, totally silent at the meeting was Obama.
Ayotte responded to the question by saying, “Mental health is the one thing we can agree on.” To which the daughter replied, “Yes, you are fucking nuts if you think people are going to let you get away with this.”
President Obama has called once again for closing Guantanamo Bay. That is, if this guy would just get out of his way.
In related news, the U.S. is sending 40 nurses and medical specialists to monitor Guantanamo Bay inmates on hunger strike. There, they will aid Guantanamo Bay’s current medical staff, five German Shepherds.
The FDA is making the morning-after pill available over-the-counter. Christian conservatives are upset, but the hyphen industry could not be happier.
Additionally, the pill can be sold to girls 15 and older. So you’re still going to have to get an older friend to buy it for you, Justin Bieber.
The Justice Department may strike a deal with Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in which he could not be given the death penalty. What are they asking for in return? How you pronounce his name properly.
The Washington Wizards say demand has spiked for the jersey of Jason Collins, who became the first athlete in a major sport to say he’s gay. Not to be outdone, Michael Jordan says he incredibly homosexual.
Obama said he needs more information about chemical weapon attacks in Syria before the U.S. intervenes. Said Obama, “We don’t know when they were used, who used them, and how much longer it will be easy for us to ignore the bodies of dead civilians.”
Investigators have found female DNA on one of the bombs used at the Boston Marathon. However, they’re quick to caution against jumping to conclusions, as nice as it would be to blame a woman.
Washington Wizards center Jason Collins has revealed he’s gay, becoming the first major active athlete to come out. Despite being a member of the Washington Wizards, Collins said he just wasn’t getting enough hate mail.
Syria’s prime minister was nearly killed in an assassination attempt this week. “We don’t like to think of it as an assassination attempt. We like to call them assassination almost-successes,” said upbeat Syrian rebels.
The Senate says it won’t vote on CISPA, the controversial cybersecurity bill. Senators being eager for that moment where inaction would look like they’re doing work.
In related news, CISPA co-author Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger said online activists were “threatening” him. Yeah, it’s pretty awful when people use the Internet to further their own careers.
Congress is reportedly forcing tanks upon the Army because they provide jobs around the country. “Thanks but no thanks,” said the Army’s equally useless Pun Division.
Iraq has suspended the news network Al-Jazeera for promoting “sectarianism.” Also suspended for promoting sectarianism: Iraq.
New York City wants to hire a person to promote breastfeeding. Finally, something is being done about all the breasts that go to bed hungry each night.
Police have arrested a 41-year-old former martial arts instructor for sending ricin to elected officials. Raising the question, what did he have to live for?
Sarah Palin took to Twitter to call attendants of the White House Correspondents Dinner “DC assclowns.” To be fair, the context was “Those DC assclowns at the Correspondents Dinner are great at making balloon animals with their butts.”
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer injured his shoulder in a bike accident over the weekend. It will take him five months to decide whether he should go to the hospital.
No new jokes today because, long story short, I had to wake up at 4 a.m. and I’m Abraham Lincoln.
France legalized gay marriage on Tuesday. Defeated, protesters bid adieu, kissed each other on the mouth, and went home.
The surviving suspect in the Boston Marathon attack says an online magazine published by al Qaeda taught him how to build bombs. He also learned 20 ways to make your man say “grrrr I hate America.”
Israel claims that Syria has used chemical weapons several times over the past month. Said the U.S., “Unfortunately we can’t just take your word, trusted ally of over two decades.”
Netflix officially has more subscribers than HBO. Which explains why HBO’s appearance on “Taxicab Confessions” was so depressing.
The EPA has officially questioned aspects of the Keystone XL oil pipeline proposal. Causing everyone to officially question what it is the EPA actually does.
The surviving suspect in the Boston bombing has been charged with using a weapon of mass destruction. “Wait. That’s what you guys think weapons of mass destruction are? Because I definitely had bombs,” said the ghost of Saddam Hussein.
Likewise, the 19-year-old will be tried as a civilian and not an “enemy combatant” as suggested by some Republicans. “Guh! This is what happens when we try to do something? Nevermind!” said Republicans.
A plot to attack a passenger train in Canada has been averted by Canadian police with the help of the FBI. Or as Canadian police referred to them, “Just a bunch of real nice, real smart fellas.”
The legal age to purchase cigarettes may increase from 18 to 21 in New York City. Leaving teens who are victims of human trafficking with fewer options to pass the time.
Manhattan’s most expensive apartment is up for sale for $125 million. If that’s too much, try Manhattan’s least expensive apartment for $110 million.
The ACLU is warning a school district in Kansas against holding mandatory student assemblies about creationism. Unfortunately for both parties, the ACLU chose to notify them via a written statement.
Syrian activists say 86 people were executed in a district in Damascus. It’s just like the old saying, “More people were executed in Syria this week.”
In related news, the U.S. says it will double its aid to the Syrian opposition. Said the Syrian opposition, “Thank you, but we still don’t have Sonic Drive-Ins so two gift cards are just as pointless as one gift card.”
Reese Witherspoon was arrested when her husband was pulled over because she refused to stay in the car. She’s been charged with being illegally blonde, too.
China has confirmed 20 deaths related to a new strain of bird flu. On the bright side, if China is anything, it’s being honest about its failings amidst a major crisis.
North Korea has moved additional missiles to its east coast. “‘North what’”? said Americans after a very long week.
Britain’s oldest oak tree was blown over by galeforce winds last week. Doctors say they expect Queen Elizabeth to make a full recovery.
On Thursday, North Korea set conditions for engaging in peace talks. Numbers 1-7 literally just spell out PIZZA with an exclamation mark.
Jordan says it’s against any foreign intervention in Syria. That’s Jordan: Reminding you that they are indeed still a country and that they are pretty self-centered too.
Eating a Western diet lowers one’s chances of healthy aging, according to a new study. On the other hand, eating a Wild, Wild Western diet increases one’s chances of thinking you’re Will Smith.
After five years of no progress, the infant mortality rate in the U.S. has begun to drop. “Not on my watch!” said microwaves and Red Bull.
Experts in China say they still don’t know how a new strain of bird flu is passing onto humans. On the other hand, they have discovered one of the most terrifying statements ever.
An amendment that would’ve expanded background checks on gun purchases failed in the Senate on Wednesday. At least there’s always not tomorrow, not the day after that and not next month.
Looking on as the amendment failed, a woman who tackled Gabrielle Giffords’ shooter shouted, “Shame on you!” Unfortunately the only people who heard her were Democrats since women are invisible to Republicans.
In response to the amendment’s failure, Obama accused lawmakers of being “intimidated” and “caving to pressure” from the gun lobby. To be fair, the gun lobby has guns.
That same day, the Senate also rejected a ban on clips of ammo that hold more than 10 rounds. Because if a gun can’t go more than 10 rounds, how do you expect to defend against crazed yet nonetheless rule-observing pugilists?
“All in all,” said Obama, “this was a pretty shameful day for Washington.” Adding, “And that includes the day I asked them to let me kill American citizens without trial.”
Also on Wednesday, the House approved CISPA, a bill that would protect corporations from being sued for giving personal information to the government. But before you run off shouting, “They care more about protecting corporations than us,” try to remember that they do.
Egypt’s Muslim Brotherhood has condemned the terrorist attack in Boston. “Thanks?” said America.
In related news, Russia says it would like to help in the investigation of the Boston attack. You know, in case you want the investigation to take 10 years.
A nonpartisan review concluded that the U.S. practiced torture after 9/11. Before then we were mucking around at best.
The review also said that the nation’s highest officials are ultimately responsible for the acts of torture. “But I’m just one man. What am I supposed to do?” said Obama.
In July, the non-profit organization Mars One will begin recruiting astronauts to go to Mars in 2023. And if the Apollo Program was any indication, they’re going to need a lot of them.
A U.S. Black Hawk helicopter crashed near North Korea’s border. Which Kim Jong-un would’ve taken as a sign of weakness if he hadn’t been killed by his military two weeks ago.