Instead of doing jokes today, I wrote this up for FunnyorDie.com. There is both a “Predator” reference and a “Transformers” reference. Enjoy.
Citigroup will pay $7 billion over its involvement in subprime mortgages. A figure they reached after asking the question, “How much to not go to prison for a few months?”
“Star Trek” actor George Takei is taking on campaign finance reform. Not to be outdone, William Shatner is taking on a sandwich and lots of scotch.
Oscar Pistorius got into a fight at a bar over the weekend. And it all started when he began firing his gun at the bathroom—because who uses a bathroom? Criminals, that’s who.
A journalist was stopped by a TSA worker because the TSA worker didn’t know what the District of Columbia was. Sadly, if there’s any place where one useless entity is encouraged to question another, it’s the District of Columbia.
The Obama administration deported 40 women and children on Monday. And they had to act quick too before the immigrants saw the inscription on the Statue of Liberty.
Workers at the Centers for Disease Control transported anthrax in Ziploc bags. A move that would’ve raised safety concerns if they hadn’t used a name brand bag.
The FCC hopes to modernize the Emergency Alert System. For example, creating one that actually works.
Israel has agreed to Egypt’s proposed cease-fire with Hamas. But only on the basis that they can still use literal fire.
Japan debuted the world’s largest indoor farm with LED lights that cut water usage to 1%. Said creators, “Think of how much more resources we can redirect toward creating pillows we can marry.”
A study suggests acting immorally in video games makes people act more morally. But trying to get a member of Congress to only beat a virtual hooker to death is the real challenge.
Scientists believe they may have cracked how the brain processes emotions. Said one scientist, “Our breakthrough came when we realized we should leave the brain in the person’s head THEN study it.”
Researchers have made a video that recreates how a 410 million-year-old spider once walked. Next step: a video that recreates how a 29-year-old man doesn’t want to watch it. It makes me feel gross, you guys.
It’s been confirmed that geckos will eventually lose their grip while hanging upside down. Scientists say the geckos also seem to “pass out” at a certain point from all the “blood” in their “heads.”
A Chicago man who wrote a book on running with the bulls was gored by a bull in Pamplona. The man said he will be sure not to write a book about preventing cancer.
Katie Holmes posed topless for Glamour magazine. So you know somewhere Tom Cruise is having to do a great job of pretending when he says, “Mm, yeah. I miss those. Those boobs.”
Rosie O’Donnell is reportedly returning to “The View.” Either that or she’s just interested in adopting the surrogate child outgoing host Sherri Shepherd wants to abandon.
President Warren G. Harding’s letters to his mistress will be released online later this month. An odd thing to do considering it’s not like his mistress wants a reality TV show.
Fast-food chain White Castle has inducted Alice Cooper into their Hall of Fame. An event that will likewise be inducted into the Hall of Fame of Lose-Lose Situations.
A Frontier Airlines pilot ordered pizza for passengers on a stranded plane. “Jeeze I wish we’d thought of that,” said the Malaysian government.
Courtney Love will appear on the final season of “Sons of Anarchy.” Producers agreed to have her on since the show was beginning to think it had something to live for.
In fact, nine out of 10 users who had their conversations collected were not the intended targets, said the Washington Post. It’s not a great success rate, but the Cubs are still showing interest.
Almost half of the files contained names, email addresses or other identifying details belonging to U.S. citizens. Worse yet, Obama was beginning to enjoy using the term “metadata.”
Some even contained resumes, details of affairs, and talks about religious conversions. So basically LinkedIn, Twitter, and your family members’ Facebook.
When asked about the story, Sen. Lindsey Graham said, “I don’t really know the details about what they’re saying in the paper. I know [NSA intelligence-gathering] is necessary. We’re at war with radical Islam.” So to summarize his comments, “I, Lindsey Graham, don’t know how to read.”
The National Journal reports that the House Ethics Committee got rid of the requirement that lawmakers disclose trips funded by lobbyists on their yearly financial disclosure forms. But to be fair, it can be hard to focus on work after a weekend of topless whitewater rafting with the Koch brothers.
The decision was made behind closed doors, or as the House Ethics Committee refers to it, doors that happen to be not open.
The only notification of the change was in the committee’s annual guidance booklet for members of Congress. The title of that booklet? “Now That’s What I Call Corruption, Vol. 8.”
Trips paid for by private groups will only be reported to the Office of the Clerk, making it harder for journalists and the public to obtain the information. On the bright side, the latter doesn’t care and the former barely exists.
Ethics Committee spokesman Tom Rust suggested they had merely eliminated a redundant requirement. Which is funny because that’s what 90 percent of the public thinks of Congress.
Free trips for lawmakers have appeared on the yearly financial form since the late 1970s. A period of time when people unironically said, “How could politicians get any worse?”
On Monday, the Supreme Court ruled that privately owned corporations are not required to provide contraception coverage for employees. And to make it official, Justice Alito used his penis in place of the gavel.
In her dissent, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “It discounts the disadvantages religion-based opt-outs impose on others, in particular, employees who do not share their employer’s religious beliefs.” Adding, “Just ask anyone who has had to work with Tom Cruise.”
Wendy’s is bringing back its pretzel bun for a limited time. Causing Hobby Lobby to question if maybe women can make good decisions on their own.
In addition, R&B group Boyz II Men has been enlisted to help with the campaign. A sentence no one thought would exist unless a major war broke out or something.
GM announced additional recalls this week due to “unintended ignition key rotation.” Which is a technical way of saying “turning ignition key causes lots of fire everywhere.”
With the announcement, GM has set a new record for number of cars recalled in a single year. Because sometimes you get a second chance and you use that second chance to make as many death machines as possible.
Celebrities in Britain have signed on to a petition calling for the decriminalization of drug possession. The celebrities said they immediately felt compelled to help upon hearing about it in LA.
A former Goldman Sachs trader is suing the company because his bonus of $8.25 million was too small. Goldman Sachs stunned by his greed and the fact that he isn’t their CEO.
Soccer player Luis Suarez has been banned from the World Cup for biting another player. The worst part being there’s plenty of food in Brazil if you’re not Brazilian.
The Supreme Court unanimously ruled that abortion clinics can’t have buffer zones for protesters. Although protesters were upset with their other ruling against buffet zones.
The Army says there’s no evidence Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl helped the Taliban. “Yeah! We’d say so,” said the Taliban. “He barely even did his own dishes.”
At least 36 people were hospitalized after an Avicii concert in Boston. A sad ending for people just wanting to forget for one night that they’re in Boston.
Gay marriage bans in both Utah and Indiana have been overturned. The states never being this close ever since that one summer.
Joe Biden said he believes gay rights are more important than any one country’s culture. Or in the case of Africa, 37 countries’ culture.
Sen. Thad Cochran narrowly won his primary over a Tea Party challenger. “So that’s one less person I can potentially spend my free time with,” said Eric Cantor.
Meanwhile, 22-term Rep. Charles Rangel is leading his primary opponent as absentee votes get ready to be counted. Not waiting around, Rangel launched into full-on party mode.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki rejected forming a new government that represents all ethnic and religious groups. Said Maliki, “No, I refuse to work with cosplayers!”
Gary Oldman apologized to Jews for his recent comments about political correctness. But when he turned around, the Jews had already left.
The chief archivist at the National Archives said the IRS broke the law by destroying emails. The archivist getting so upset, he listed only nine citations.
LeBron James is set to become a free agent this summer. So now that we can add Miami, what’s the map of places that hate LeBron James look like? (States that hate him colored in yellow.)
Former editor of Britian’s News of the World Andy Coulson has been convicted of phone hacking. Though he might’ve been okay had he focused on hacking non-celebrities too.
A coffee mug meant to feature soccer player Chris Smalling was released instead with a picture of Barack Obama. Surprising John McCain, who never thought he’d have so much in common with a cup.
The FBI rescued 168 children in a major sex trafficking bust. The breakthrough in the case coming when they decided not to let the Nigerian government help.
Speaking of the Nigerian government, over 90 people were abducted in Nigeria this past Saturday. Suggesting terrorists are at least not comfortable enough to kidnap another 300 at once.
The story of a disfigured girl who was asked to leave a KFC has turned out to be a hoax. In reality, she was asked to leave a KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.
Makers of Axe Body Spray won’t reveal what’s in their product to a teen who had a major allergic reaction. That’s Axe: For douches, by douches.
Japan unveiled a new strategy to become more globally competitive. Three words: Mario. Party. 15.
"Oh how delightful, a space mirror."
In Germany, firefighters extracted a 20-year-old American exchange student after he got trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. Talk about being home sick.
In Germany, firefighters extracted a 20-year-old American exchange student after he got trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. See, this is what happens when you don’t teach sex ed in school.
In Germany, firefighters extracted a 20-year-old American exchange student after he got trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. Fortunately the firefighters arrived before the owner of the sculpture, the loneliest golem in the world.
In Germany, firefighters extracted a 20-year-old American exchange student after he got trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. Which just goes to show you that even today, you can’t hide from the Germans.
In Germany, firefighters extracted a 20-year-old American exchange student after he got trapped inside a giant vagina sculpture. On the bright side, at least he has something to talk about with Kanye West.
To counteract discriminatory hiring practices by the federal government, FDR creates the Fair Employment Practices Commission. And to ensure oversight of the commission, he made sure their offices were on the ground floor.
High school student Claudette Colvin becomes the first person to refuse to give up her seat on a bus because of her race. Colvin learning an important lesson: No one cares what you do if you’re just a 15-year-old.
Autherine Lucy, the first black student to be admitted to the University of Alabama, is suspended when white students on the campus riot. On the bright side, those students who rioted when Joe Paterno was fired for not reporting a child molester don’t look so bad.
TV’s “The Nat King Cole Show” is canceled after a year because no company would sponsor it. Not even Nate Kang’s Coleslaw.
#HISTORYSHARKWEEK continues with “The War to Prequel All Wars,” the Spanish-American War.
In February 1895, Cuban nationalists revolted against Spanish rule. The Cuban people seeking independence, freedom from unjust taxes, and to have their faces on the T-shirts of college students.
In response to the uprising, Spain sent in General Valeriano “The Butcher” Weyler, who assembled concentration camps and tortured rebels. Weyler never getting over the fact that he gave up his boxing career for greater job security.
Soon thereafter, William McKinley is elected president after promising to free Cuba. The country coming together post-Civil War in the belief that free brown people are less trouble than non-free brown people.
The Spanish ambassador to the U.S. is forced to resign after a private letter gets leaked in which he calls McKinley “weak.” To prove him wrong, McKinley would later host the first annual Shoot Me in the Chest Buffalo, New York Invitational.
On Feb. 15, 1898, a mysterious explosion destroys the USS Maine in Havana Harbor. This would spark the famous slogan “Remember Maine, It’s A State. Also, That Boat.”
Two months later, McKinley asked Congress to declare war on Spain despite Spain agreeing to all of America’s demands. “No, no, no,” said America. “I want ALL the nachos.”