September 23, 2014
via reddit

via reddit

September 22, 2014
Home ISIS Where the Heart ISIS: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 22

The White House says Americans who have fought for ISIS have returned to the U.S. Which unfortunately is gonna make it a lot trickier to kill them without trial.

Three Afghan soldiers who went missing during a training exercise in Cape Cod were found trying to cross into Canada. And the student has become the master.

Nearly a thousand people participated in the “Flood Wall Street” protest Monday. Including a few who misheard and brought a bunch of sandwiches.

The Rockefeller family says it will no longer invest in fossil fuels. Likewise, the Ford family will no longer invest in comparing Jews to vermin.

A FIFA board member suggested the World Cup won’t be held in Qatar. Which would be great news for the people building the stadium there, as they can finally die in peace.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan performed her first same-sex wedding over the weekend. Kagan doing it as a favor to her colleague Antonin Scalia and his partner, a sheet cake with a penis.

The New York Times says it was the late Hawaii Sen. Daniel Inouye who squeezed Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand’s waist and said, “I like my girls chubby!” Which works out for Gillibrand since she likes her misogynists dead.

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September 21, 2014
#peoplesclimatemarch

#peoplesclimatemarch

10:52am
Filed under: peoplesclimatemarch 
September 19, 2014
#GPOY

#GPOY

5:19pm
Filed under: gpoy 
September 18, 2014
El Mileyachi: Jokes for Thurs., Sept. 18

Mexico is investigating an incident in which Miley Cyrus got spanked by the Mexican flag on stage. Their main priority: Does Miley Cyrus have any understanding of symbolism?

The most recent census says Manhattan has the widest income gap in the country. Which is like saying Kentucky has the most trees. Everyone has a lot of trees, census.

Today is National Cheeseburger Day. “Oh, I love National Cheeseburger Year,” said Americans, refusing to be corrected.

A teacher won $1 million on “Wheel of Fortune.” It was also a great moment for Pat Sajak, as he’s never met one before.

Disney has created a wedding dress inspired by “Frozen.” In that, it’s so expensive, your bank account will be frozen.

An animal control officer rescued a skunk whose head was stuck in a beer can. Now if the skunk can just be convinced it has something to live for.

CNN was blacked out in China when it reported on Christian persecution in the country. Which at least gave the people there an opportunity to go outside and persecute Christians.

A BBC crew was robbed and beaten up while in Russia reporting on soldiers who died in Ukraine. The thugs understandably upset that anyone would ever imply that Ukraine exists.

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September 16, 2014
Merry-Go-Ground Troops: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 16

Olive Garden is defending its unlimited breadstick policy…against monsters.
If America’s current campaign in Iraq against ISIS fails, the military says it will consider sending in ground troops. Which might not even matter since Bush won’t be in office for much longer.

Eminem’s publishers are suing a New Zealand political party for using a song of his in a campaign ad. Forcing the group to find a new song that still conveys that they hate women and gays.

Scientists have identified where they will land a probe on a moving comet. Said scientists, “Near the back.”

Comcast denies it will disconnect customers who use the anonymous web browser Tor. Rather, they will adhere to their current policy: disconnecting customers who use any web browser.

McDonald’s will give out free coffee for the next two weeks. Or as blind people refer to it, hot urine.

The FBI says its facial recognition surveillance system is now fully operational. To sign up for free, simply visit www.facebook.com.

Singer Robin Thicke says he was high while recording the song “Blurred Lines.” “More like ‘Slurred Lines,’” said father Alan Thicke, not comprehending the seriousness of his son’s problems.

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September 15, 2014
My West Foot: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 15

During a concert in Sydney, Kanye West called out fans in wheelchairs for not dancing to one of his songs. Which he can get away with saying since he’s handicapped emotionally.

The situation got more awkward when Kanye had his bodyguard go into the crowd to verify one fan was indeed handicapped. As it turns out, the guy who thinks he’s on par with Jesus is big into honesty.

Responding to the controversy, Kanye West told critics, “Pick another target.” Which they would, unfortunately no one else has singled out people in wheelchairs recently.

Microsoft will pay over $2 billion for the company that created “Minecraft.” “Minecraft” being a game where you can create any type of world you want, including one where Apple doesn’t exist.

Heineken declined an offer to be bought out by a larger competitor. Surprising financial analysts who thought Heineken was the biggest creator of stuff you don’t want to put in your face.

Urban Outfitters has stopped selling a Kent State sweatshirt that appears to be splattered in blood. The sweatshirt referencing a tragic time in our nation’s history when young people went off to a state school.

A statue of Amy Winehouse was unveiled this week in north London. Since it’s bronze, it should be pretty challenging for it to try and do heroin.

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September 12, 2014
Pist All Over: Jokes for Friday, Sept. 12

CBS anchor James Brown addressed domestic violence before Thursday night’s Ravens-Steelers game. Forcing Bill Cowher to figure out how to segue into talking about yardage.

Oscar Pistorius has been convicted of manslaughter in the death of his girlfriend. However, it’s possible he may only be fined—a simple slap on the wrist. He still has wrists, right?

Zeus, the world’s tallest dog, died this week. His owners say he was a great dog and will be an even better table.

The government threatened to fine Yahoo $250,000 a day if the company didn’t comply with user data requests. Putting Yahoo in a tough spot, as they don’t have any users to generate data in the first place.

Discussing Syria, House Speaker John Boehner said, “We ought to give the president what he’s asking for.” Or as Boehner actually said it, “We…ought…to give…the…pres…pres…the Obama what he’s…asking…*heavy breathing*…what he’s asking for.”

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September 10, 2014
Things Pat and Brian Have Discussed: Week 8

summercollider:

  • the taco emoticon
  • Dan
  • Earplugs for this Sunday’s Deafheaven show
  • Google AdSense and how we can’t make any “AdSense” of it #lol
  • baloneyfarts.org

3:01pm
Filed under: video taco behind the scenes 
September 9, 2014
As iWatch You From Afar: Jokes for Tues., Sept. 9

Apple introduced the Apple Watch, with CEO Tim Cook calling it “the most personal device we’ve ever made.” So now when it malfunctions, and it will, you’ll know: It’s personal.

The company also unveiled Apple Pay, a way to use your phone at stores to buy things, while explaining, “Apple doesn’t know what you bought, where you bought it, and how much you bought it for.” Adding, “Apple just knows you’ve got nice boobs and how often you like to take pictures of them.”

A preliminary report says Flight MH-17 was hit by “high-energy objects” while flying over Ukraine. Naturally, Russian-backed rebels in the area deny ever even having 5-year-olds.

Scientists say Europa, one of Jupiter’s six moons, has plate tectonics similar to Earth. However, on Europa, people know better than to live in L.A.

President Obama will address the issue of ISIS in a primetime speech. Analysts look forward to hearing what he will say then immediately back down from.

David Bowie will release two new songs this fall. Because David Bowie knows summer sucks.

A mob of teens attacked several people outside a Kroger supermarket in Memphis. For more on the story, visit the New York Times, CNN or the teens’ Facebook pages.

Ray Rice’s wife, Janay, made her first statement on the couple’s domestic violence incident. Unfortunately the NFL is ignoring it because it’s not a video.

Cher has postponed her upcoming tour. Turns out, she died five years ago.

A fire destroyed part of a wooden roller coaster at Southern California’s Six Flags Magic Mountain. Much of the damage being blamed on the slow response of the fire department.

The CEO of Panera has asked customers not to bring weapons into his restaurants. But, gun to his head, I’d bet he changes his mind.

Oreo will be releasing pumpkin spice cookies. Offering the same great experience, except when you twist open the cookie, there’s a tiny mirror so you can take a long look at yourself.

September 8, 2014
Strangers on a Brain: Jokes for Mon., Sept. 8

Doctors say a virus is spreading among children across the Midwest. Though that’s a pretty melodramatic way to refer to abject boredom.

For the first time, scientists were able to transmit a mental image from one person’s brain to another. Said scientists, “We’ll catch you up to you one day, dolphins.”

The EU is delaying new sanctions against Russia. To be fair, Putin hasn’t even invaded Poland yet.

A London airport was shut down due to a “suspect package.” That way they could give their detectives some time to work.

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei underwent prostrate surgery Monday. “We found it,” said doctors. “We found the stick that was up his ass.”

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September 5, 2014
Burning Plan: Jokes for Friday, Sept. 5

An Internet challenge to burn the ISIS flag has gone viral in the Middle East. On the down side, they’re using the American flag for kindling.

Ukraine agreed to a ceasefire with rebels on Friday. The process taking longer than expected because the rebels kept having to leave the meeting to call not Putin.

John Kerry announced the U.S. is forming a “core coalition” to fight ISIS. Because that coalition that focused solely on legs and arms wasn’t getting it done.

NATO is working on a rapid-response team in case Russia ever invades an ally. They’re calling it “nuclear missiles.”

A new book alleges that the station chief in Benghazi could’ve saved the lives of those who died at the consulate. Yes, but why did Hillary tell him to do that?

Apple says it will increase security after several female celebrities had their accounts hacked. Meanwhile, Samsung says it will just keep making phones.

NASA says an asteroid will get “very close” to the Earth Sunday. That is, if only the Earth will let it…


Neither of George W. Bush’s daughters are registered Republicans. Which must really upset their dad, Dick Cheney.

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September 3, 2014
6 Reasons TBS Canceled Cee Lo's Reality Show Besides Him Probably Being a Rapist

September 3, 2014
"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a beard around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hadn’t ended."
Via reddit.

"A hero can be anyone. Even a man doing something as simple and reassuring as putting a beard around a young boy’s shoulders to let him know the world hadn’t ended."

Via reddit.

3:11pm
Filed under: batman 
September 3, 2014
4 Things Ted Cruz's Father Didn't Say About Black Americans Because He is a Fucking Racist

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