March 25, 2014
How to Lose a Spy in 10 Days: Jokes for Tues., March 25

A new report says air pollution caused 7 million deaths in 2012. Or as Congress refers to it, job creating clouds.

A Canadian man has contracted an ebola-like virus. As expected, he’s being a fantastic host.

President Obama will reportedly introduce legislation to end the NSA’s bulk collection of Americans’ phone records. And hopefully the CIA will tell him how Congress reacts.

Russia has temporarily been suspended from G8 meetings. Adding further insult, Britain is already using Russia’s chair as a coat rack.

A New York Times reporter called Obama “the greatest enemy of press freedom that we have encountered in at least a generation.” The speech occurred last Friday but that’s obviously something you don’t want to report unless Obama says it’s okay.

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March 24, 2014
Spill Meet Again: Jokes for Mon., March 24

Malaysia Airlines texted families of MH370 to say, “We have to assume beyond any reasonable doubt that MH370 has been lost and that none of those on board have survived.” Even more unfortunate is that they confirmed their sense of decency was also on board.

A ship has spilled up to 168,000 gallons of oil in Galveston Bay in Texas. Said god, “I really can’t emphasize how much I hate Galveston.”

Thousands of Russian troops have gathered near Ukraine’s eastern border. The good news being that other countries have offered to DVR the “Game of Thrones” premiere for Ukraine.

Discussing Russia, Mitt Romney called President Obama “naive” and claimed he was showing “faulty judgement.” This according to a man who thought Americans would trust anyone who hates soda.

The NSA reportedly hacked telecoms in China. So you can imagine China was pretty upset when they found out after hacking the NSA two years ago.

Turkey claims to have shot down a Syrian jet. Said Turkey, “That was so much easier than handling public dissent.”

Egypt sentenced 529 people to death on Monday in a mass trial. So basically Egyptians should just never stop protesting in Tahrir Square.

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March 24, 2014

Nobody expected it, nobody believed it, and nobody would have sex with it: The Ensorceling.

In tiny Internet theaters now. Produced with @patcartelli and @tonydac.

March 22, 2014
Tweet Fighter: Jokes for Friday, March 21

Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei called the Holocaust “uncertain” this week. That’s Ali Khamenei: basically a meteorologist when it comes to one of the largest tragedies in human history.

Turkey’s prime minster has shut down access to Twitter. Which is a shitty way to react when no retweets a joke you made.

Microsoft has admitted to using Hotmail to spy on users. Microsoft has also admitted to using Hotmail to discourage people from ever using the Internet.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian appear on the cover of the latest issue of Vogue. Proving to women everywhere that anything is possible once you get famous for making a sex tape.

The U.S. is preparing to cut military aid Ukraine by 28 percent. It’s part of the new foreign policy, “You Lose It If You Don’t Use It.”

Sen. Harry Reid has ordered the Senate sergeant-at-arms to investigate claims by the CIA that Senate staffers hacked their computers. Thereby confirming Sen. Richard Burr made the right choice in nominating Machamp for the position.

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March 20, 2014
Last Sanction Hero: Jokes for Thurs., March 20

Ukraine is preparing to withdraw its military from Crimea entirely. “Well that was anti-climactic,” said fans of war.

The U.S. will place new economic sanctions on Russian officials for invading Crimea. Russians lined up to hear the news, and also just for some bread.

Meanwhile, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said there will be no G8 meetings until the situation with Russia changes. A huge gesture considering we are right at the beginning of March Madness.

Scientists say they’ve discovered a dinosaur that resembles a “chicken from hell.” In that it always looks surprised that Chicken God frowns upon chicken sex outside of chicken marriage.

Australia says it may have located debris from flight MH370. And if they can’t figure out a way to eat it, you’re welcome to it.

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died. He passed surrounded by his loved ones, especially his lifelong roommate Brent. Brent appeared particularly upset.

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March 19, 2014

tonydac:

NEW SKETCH!

This is my first attempt at editing a sketch on my own so I’m excited to post it. 

patcartelli and brianunderstands were involved and very funny. 

Please click and celebrate Tony’s third shirtless video. He’s very shirtless.

March 19, 2014
One Possibly, Maybe Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: Jokes for Wed., March 19

Israel attacked Syrian army sites on Wednesday. Testing the theory, “How could this get any worse?”

Families of missing passengers angrily stormed a press briefing on flight MH370. Said officials, “Where did you people come from? No, really, how did you get here.”

Meanwhile, Courtney Love took to Twitter on Tuesday to claim she knows what happened to the missing plane. A theory that also explains why Kurt Cobain made the choice that he did.

Addressing the situation in Crimea, Joe Biden said there are “growing costs that come with naked aggression.” Adding, “I’m naked right now.”

The NSA reportedly has a system that can rewind phone conversations in foreign countries up to a month after they take place. But the roaming charges are ridiculous!

The CEO of GM has apologized for the delayed recall of cars that contributed to 12 deaths. On a side note, they might need a little more cash…

Likewise, the U.S. has reportedly agreed to a $1.2 billion settlement with Toyota over safety problems. The Japanese car manufacturer finally taking responsibility for the financial collapse of 2008.

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March 18, 2014
The Annexation of Putin Rico: Jokes for Tues., March 18

A new report accuses Gov. Chris Christie of making a deal with the leader of a sex slave ring to avoid prosecution. All beginning with six fateful words: “Are you gonna finish that hoagie?”

Vladimir Putin has approved a bill annexing Crimea. “Annexing” translating into Russian as “I WILL TAKE AN AXE TO YOU.”

In response to the occupation of Crimea, the Obama administration has placed sanctions on Russian officials. Making it harder for those officials to access their money except whatever they find in Crimea.

Air Canada is suspending flights to Venezuala due to “civil unrest.” Or as Canadians refer to it, laughing a little loudly.

A member of the National Guard allegedly wanted to join al Qaeda and bomb the Los Angeles subway system. In his defense, maybe he’s just interested in things people doubt the existence of?

Kanye West has been given two years probation for assaulting a photographer. West was particularly embarrassed to find out Kim Kardashian had intentionally made the video.

Japan’s Fukushima nuclear power plant is hiring poor, unskilled workers to clean up the waste site. So they also have lots of recent college graduates.

The rate of colon cancer dropped 30 percent over the last decade. With much of the success due to those unsung heroes, robots who travel inside butts.

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March 17, 2014
Love Will Keep U.S. Together: Jokes for Mon., March 17

A vote held on Sunday suggests 93 percent of Crimea wants to join Russia. Putting the U.S. in the awkward spot of having to trust that democracy works.

Meanwhile, Obama promised Vladimir Putin that the U.S. and allies would “impose additional costs on Russia for its actions.” Insinuating that the hosts of the 2014 Winter Olympics somehow have a sense of money.

Malaysia has rejected U.S. offers for help in locating Flight 370. Though officials would love any suggestions on where to find their humility.

Over the weekend, Afghanistan’s Hamid Karzai said he will not let American troops stay in the country. Said Karzai, “Afghanistan is perfectly capable now of building our own naked human shame pyramids, thank you very much.”

A new analysis says the Obama administration is denying Freedom of Information Act requests more than ever. Said Obama, “We know people are concerned,” but really emphasizing the “we know.”

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March 14, 2014
Rush’n Maybe Attack: Jokes for Friday, March 14

Researchers claim that airbags in two GM cars caused 303 deaths. They would’ve caused more but the seat belts killed them first.

The U.S. says it will not recognize the outcome of Sunday’s election in Crimea about joining Russia. Russia isn’t happy with the announcement, as they spent a lot time figuring out how to fit tiny ballots into the guns of unmarked soldiers

Meanwhile, the country of Estonia claims that Russia is preparing to invade Ukraine, not just Crimea. And you know things are bad when a country no one can even find is concerned.

The Department of Health and Human Services is ordering insurance companies to cover gay spouses. To which insurance companies said, “We will comply and offer spouses the same excellent level of responsive coverage—” and then they couldn’t stop laughing.

The U.S. will allow BP to drill for oil in the Gulf again. Explaining why so much wildlife in the region has begun searching for those plastic rings that keep soda cans together.

A Florida man allegedly stabbed his boss for taking a picture of him and posting it online without his permission. To be fair, the picture was pretty embarrassing, in that it showed he was once in Florida.

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March 13, 2014
Lost in Transgender: Jokes for Thurs., March 13

Russia has begun military exercises near the Ukrainian border. First up: Lots of push ups and dairy to develop some supple man tits.

Avowed conservative Robert Duvall says he’ll “probably vote Independent.” That’s the Republican Party: Now sadder looking than Abe Vigoda in “The Godfather.”

A new report calls on President Obama to end the military’s ban on transgender troops. Obama is frustrated however, as he just got done pretending like he cares about gay troops.

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March 13, 2014

Stunning baritone Tom Saporito made this video and I was lucky enough to be a part of it. Break through the shell of the mystery, and the excitement, that is bOARD.

March 12, 2014
Cars Against a Manatee: Jokes for Wed., March 12

Republicans won a special election in Florida thanks in large part to an anti-Obamacare campaign. Also, Florida.

A building in East Harlem reportedly collapsed following an explosion. Keep in mind the last time there was an explosion in East Harlem, it was of white people.

Meanwhile, upon hearing that a building collapsed in New York City and people had died, someone had to tell George W. Bush it wasn’t necessary that he go and stand on top of the rubble.

A Chicago-based agency is suing American Airlines for avoiding paying tens of millions of dollars in taxes. The company says the check is on the way, it’s just flying American Airlines.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio took an Ellen-style selfie with members of the press. Said reporters excitedly, “It’s like we’re Bradley Cooper instead of journalists!”

Gov. Chris Christie has banned the sale of Tesla electric cars in New Jersey. If only to make sitting in intentionally-created traffic even worse.

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March 11, 2014
Spy Dids: Jokes for Tues., March 11

Senate Intelligence Committee Chair Dianne Feinstein said Tuesday that the CIA may have violated the Constitution. "The CIA just went and searched the committee’s computers," said the woman who told NSA critics, “It’s called protecting America.”

A new study confirms that bullying increases the chances of suicide. “We’re counting on it,” said Republican members of Congress.

Former Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych appeared publicly this week for only the second time since fleeing the country. He had a lot to say.

Over 100 marijuana dispensaries have been forced to close in Los Angeles. The marijuana dispensaries are so upset that they now qualify for a prescription for weed.

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March 10, 2014
Hunger Blames: Jokes for Mon., March 10

Edward Snowden participated in a video interview at South by Southwest on Monday. During which he confirmed that the White Stripes really need to tour again.

Nearly 330 immigrants being held at a detention center in Washington state are on a hunger strike. President Obama says he will look into the matter to make sure there’s way more than 330 people who have been rounded up.

George Zimmerman appeared at a Florida gun show and signed autographs. Say what you will, but those white robes are so nice and easy to write on.

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