September 13, 2012
iPhone-a Hold Your Hand: Jokes for Thurs., Sept. 13

Regarding the recent attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya,  Mitt Romney accused President Obama of choosing to “sympathize with those who waged the attacks.” Particularly upsetting for Romney is that Obama was able to make any choice and stick with it.

In response, President Obama criticized Romney for politicizing the event, saying he “seems to have a tendency to shoot first and aim later.” Which really is more of a vice president thing.

Apple unveiled the iPhone 5 on Wednesday. “Oh, what a coincidence, us too,” said Samsung.

Following the presentation, the Foo Fighters played three songs for those in attendance. Bloggers were so excited, they typed “Encore” repeatedly.

A prison management company is offering to buy prisons if states promise to maintain a 90 percent occupancy rate for at least 20 years. In related news, hey, did you know buying marijuana is the same as lots of murder?

In fact, Ohio recently sold the Lake Erie Correctional Institution to the company under a similar agreement. The state maintains it’s still a good deal and is even considering offering to sell them Cleveland.

The FCC attempted to get the media to not the cover the story of their chairman’s inability to use Twitter. They might’ve been more persuasive had they not tried poking journalists on Google+.

In Russia, Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev announced that the imprisoned members of Pussy Riot will be freed, saying further time would be “unproductive.” A diplomatic way of saying, “It’s not fun seeing ‘Pussy Riot’ in newspapers anymore.”

In Wisconsin, Police Chief Richard Knoebel gave himself a $235 ticket for passing a stopped school bus with flashing lights. Though he admits he tried to seduce his way out of the ticket at first.

Portland Public Schools are requiring teachers to attend training sessions to understand their “white privilege.” For example, getting paid to attend training sessions to understand their “white privilege.”

Archaeologists say they may have found the bones of King Richard III. They just need someone to go in and kill the Rancor.

Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan is spending $2 million on additional campaign ads to be reelected to the House of Representatives. Meaning he either thinks he won’t be elected vice president or that he’s just not as good with money as everyone says.

A research team claims there is a 99.996 percent chance that dark energy is real. Unfortunately one member of the team is a stubborn racist and is holding out hope for white energy.