President Obama has called once again for closing Guantanamo Bay. That is, if this guy would just get out of his way.
In related news, the U.S. is sending 40 nurses and medical specialists to monitor Guantanamo Bay inmates on hunger strike. There, they will aid Guantanamo Bay’s current medical staff, five German Shepherds.
The FDA is making the morning-after pill available over-the-counter. Christian conservatives are upset, but the hyphen industry could not be happier.
Additionally, the pill can be sold to girls 15 and older. So you’re still going to have to get an older friend to buy it for you, Justin Bieber.
The Justice Department may strike a deal with Boston bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in which he could not be given the death penalty. What are they asking for in return? How you pronounce his name properly.
The Washington Wizards say demand has spiked for the jersey of Jason Collins, who became the first athlete in a major sport to say he’s gay. Not to be outdone, Michael Jordan says he incredibly homosexual.
Obama said he needs more information about chemical weapon attacks in Syria before the U.S. intervenes. Said Obama, “We don’t know when they were used, who used them, and how much longer it will be easy for us to ignore the bodies of dead civilians.”
Rep. Paul Ryan now says he’s okay with same-sex couples adopting a child. On the other hand, he still doesn’t believe they should be trusted with something as precious as a marriage certificate.
A New Hampshire man spent $2,600 trying to win an Xbox Kinect at a carnival game. On the bright side, anyone that good at throwing money away on something so useless has a great career ahead of him in politics.
HBO’s “Game of Thrones” beat its previous viewership record, getting 5.3 million viewers Sunday night. HBO is excited but is unsure where all these virgins suddenly came from.
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been offered a job as a blogger. Lohan says she appreciates the opportunity and can’t wait to contribute to Motor Trend magazine.
The first private women’s-only club is now open in London. There will be strippers except they’ll only be girls you went to high school with so you can feel better about yourself.
If today’s jokes seem particularly angsty, it’s because I still don’t like my haircut very much. Same goes for Guantanamo Bay still being open. That sucks too.