September 6, 2013
A Single Zimmerman: Jokes for Friday, Sept. 6

The U.S. economy added 169,000 jobs in August. Analysts say the number is lower than expected, but they clearly don’t understand the phrase “U.S. economy.”

A woman who wrote a book about escaping from the Taliban was executed in Afghanistan. Already there’s a lot of outrage over the fact that there isn’t a movie about her yet.

Michele Bachmann is facing yet another ethics inquiry. Said the ethics inquiry, “But you don’t literally have to face me. Please stop staring at me like that.”

George Zimmerman’s wife has reportedly filed for divorce. A word of advice to Mrs. Zimmerman: Whatever you do, don’t fight him.

The Guardian and The New York Times reports that the NSA has the keys to most Internet encryption methods. Which sounds probably bad but have you heard about this Syria thing?

Likewise, the NSA spent $250 million a year to lobby IT companies to make their products exploitable. A pretty big waste of money considering Microsoft was going to do that with Windows anyway.

On YouTube, a man confessed to killing another person while driving drunk. In response, you won’t believe what girls with lots of cleavage on YouTube have to say.

Teen births were at their lowest level last year. Health experts reason that teens are acting more responsibly and having sex with adults.

Scientists suggest that trillions of bacteria that live in your gut may be the key to fighting obesity. The irony being that now people want to find out how to eat trillions of bacteria to lose weight.

U.S. intelligence has intercepted messages suggesting Iran will attack the U.S. embassy in Iraq if the U.S. attacks Syria. Though the joke is on Iran: We don’t care about attacks on U.S. embassies.

A small Japanese robot became the first robot to speak in outer space. In a Neil Armstrong-like moment for robots everywhere, it uttered, “So alone. So sad, so very alone.”

It’s the first ever Self-Self-Promotion Friday! Tell people about how cool you are while also mentioning how much you liked these jokes. Try it, but only if you are actually cool. No posers.